A lot has happened and been discovered in the last 48 hours and I can feel depression trying to seep under the cover of my face mask I've been wearing. I figured if I keep busy and happy and tell myself everything will work out and be perfect it would...
But I can feel the blackness pushing and prodding at the edges and I'm really afraid it's going to find a weakness and get in :(
I probably can't go into things here - let's just say that some people don't deserve to draw breath or be called human beings!!! They are leeches in disguise and scum - total scum!! their lies and evil actions have far reaching implications and I wish there was a way they could pay for their actions here on earth rather than just burning in hell when they pass over - Like I said, some people really don't deserve to draw breath!!!
I've had a few things on my mind and I'm trying to work through it to see exactly where I stand with myself. I have to hang onto the positive and flick the negative - but sometimes the "flicking" isn't the easiest, but I'm working on it ;)
So for now I'll keep the mask on, everything will be OK... Somehow it will work out... I've no idea how but it just has to!!!
I'll smile at the blackness and hope that taunting it wont make it work even harder at getting through... I need to keep the positives rolling and look forward and work at keeping my family together and moving in the right direction - back shouldn't be and isn't going to be an option... I don;t think people realise how much a few words and an angry moment can ruin so much...
BTW, this isn't aimed at anyone in my family - just in case you were wondering....
I'm such a solitary person and apparently that's not acceptable in society - everyone is meant to have a huge circle of friends and acquaintances, but I find trust such a hard thing that I've kept people at a distance, no one really knows the real me, no one is privy to my private life so how - and that apparently can't be correct or true so obviously I'm a liar. I lie to myself that I am happy and am coping, but I don't lie to myself or anyone when I say how lonely it is to be solitary... but sometimes in life there is only one way to keep safe and only one person you can trust - and that is yourself....
But I can feel the blackness pushing and prodding at the edges and I'm really afraid it's going to find a weakness and get in :(
I probably can't go into things here - let's just say that some people don't deserve to draw breath or be called human beings!!! They are leeches in disguise and scum - total scum!! their lies and evil actions have far reaching implications and I wish there was a way they could pay for their actions here on earth rather than just burning in hell when they pass over - Like I said, some people really don't deserve to draw breath!!!
I've had a few things on my mind and I'm trying to work through it to see exactly where I stand with myself. I have to hang onto the positive and flick the negative - but sometimes the "flicking" isn't the easiest, but I'm working on it ;)
So for now I'll keep the mask on, everything will be OK... Somehow it will work out... I've no idea how but it just has to!!!
I'll smile at the blackness and hope that taunting it wont make it work even harder at getting through... I need to keep the positives rolling and look forward and work at keeping my family together and moving in the right direction - back shouldn't be and isn't going to be an option... I don;t think people realise how much a few words and an angry moment can ruin so much...
BTW, this isn't aimed at anyone in my family - just in case you were wondering....
I'm such a solitary person and apparently that's not acceptable in society - everyone is meant to have a huge circle of friends and acquaintances, but I find trust such a hard thing that I've kept people at a distance, no one really knows the real me, no one is privy to my private life so how - and that apparently can't be correct or true so obviously I'm a liar. I lie to myself that I am happy and am coping, but I don't lie to myself or anyone when I say how lonely it is to be solitary... but sometimes in life there is only one way to keep safe and only one person you can trust - and that is yourself....
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5 comments:
Hang in there....acknowledge the darkness knocking at the door, ignoring it won't make it go away, but just don't invite it in to stay.
Treens, I too am a person that doesn't have a wide circle of friends and much of that has been due to my trust in others being destroyed by so-called "friends". Also, living with someone that constantly battles "the blackness", I can be understanding of what you are going through. Although I can do little to help, all I can say is just continue to face the world head-on and surround yourself with those who really do care for you.
I am thinking of you and sending big hugs your way.
XXX
Hey Possum firstly {{{Hugs}}}
Fake it til you make it hey. Sure can work sometimes.
I've got a few close friends and that's about it. Lots of online friends which is great, but only a few friends that I visit and keep in contact with regularly.
Although I don't keep in contact as much as I feel I should. I'm much happier stayong home and keeping to myself.
Who says you have to have a huge group of friends anyway?!
Sounds like more scrapping might be in order fro some 'therapy' IYKWIM.
{{{Hugs}}} again and hope the darkness buggers off real soon. xoxo
I know how you feel Treens! Those that I thought were friends are only friends when I go to visit them, but they never come to visit me. So I dont trust people much, that also stems from what happened when I was child. Dont let the blackness in. It is tough and hard especially when away from family. It will pick up. If it is possible and it will be hard for him, talk to hubby when the kids are asleep, if he is like mine he will be supportive and then try to make you laugh! thoughts are with you!
There is nothing wrong with being solitary. I am like that myself. I have no more than a few friends that I keep close in my life. They have been friends for the longest time. They are the type of friends that if I don't see or talk to them for months - they don't take offence, and love me just the same when we do get together. True friends are like that . Hugs xxx
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