Mummy Guilt....

really suck doesn't it! I'm pushing it aside and trying to look forward to relaxing next weekend at the Scraphappy Kat's retreat...

I know I need to relax, it's just been totally confirmed by Ursula's recent visit (and she came back for a second, however but less poisonous visit last night)

I'm hoping that I can shake off the last few months and really relax and feel 'safe'. that feels really funny saying that. I don't know if 'safe' is really the right word or not, but less anxious I guess... I can't really put my finger on it. I want to feel that I have people around me who are happy and want me to be there, that will be friends with no knives in the back kind of situation - the situation that I've been living these past 2 years.

I'm trying not to be so cynical. If you asked me this time last year about being cynical I would have laughed at you - I wasn't as cynical and feeling as burnt and blistered this time last year. i had faith that the people we have befriended were going to be our friends, and a good strong long term friendship...

But then I don't want the evil they brought into my life to dampen any future friendships and relationships I have.

I want to feel carefree again, I don't want to be sitting here thinking that they're only my friend for a reason or they're just pretending etc etc...

I know this feeling will pass in time - I just with that time would fast forward so I can relax and stop thinking that I have to do something to have someone be my friend - I want to know that they want me to be their friend because they like me, not for that I bring to them...

This probably sounds really stupid, but I know that stories are still being bandies about in Tassie - I'm so happy I'm not there... because if I was I would have no idea who to trust, I'd feel so unsafe not physically, but emotionally and with my reputation - it's amazing how someone in a reasonably places position in society can all but wipe someone out with their lies because of their own jealousies! I wont let them beat me, but it's sure hard to keep getting back up!!!

So here I am, open, raw and trying to find myself... trying to realise that i do have positives that I don't need to 'earn' friendships... I want to be the 5 year old in the school yard who could go up to anyone and know that they would be her friend because that's what kids do.... I want to trust humanity again... and I want to feel worthwhile, not just being able to say the words - I want to really know and feel that I'm worthwhile and wanted and have a place in other peoples lives... I guess I want to have trust in myself and my own worth...

I want to be able to go away next weekend and relax, know that I'm really wanted, appreciated and not just another bum on a seat... I want a lot in words, but I don;t think it's all that much in reality - I want to find myself and be loved for myself....

So mummy guilt is there, I feel guilty about taking money out of the kitty to go away, I feel guilty about leaving my kids for something 'frivelous'. the last time I left my kids for any amount of time was to stop my so called 'friend' from committing suicide and keeping her on earth for her children - the only time I've ever left my children was to be doing something for someone else... I've never left my family to do something for me... This is where the mummy guilt is kicking in... I don't know if I'm doing the right thing in leaving them for something I want to do - but at the same time I know I need to get away and relax and be somewhere I feel I am wanted for simply being 'me'...

Sorry for the ramble, it probably makes absolutely no sense at all... I need to get these thoughts out of my head and try to process...