6 Weeks...

It's been 6 weeks since our littelest princess came into the world :) And she's been a pure and utter delight each and every day of her short life so far :) She has wrapped everyone around her little finger and weaved a spell of blissful harmony over the household...

Aerynn
6 weeks old

So what should I do to help commemorate this special age where our little one moves on from being known as a newborn and becomes our very special infant?? Take photo's of course!!! Well the pics were taken approximately 12 hours before she technically 'turned' 6 weeks old, but close enough... she didn't change any in that time ;)

Safe in Daddy's Hands

She is still sooo perfectly tiny!! I have only just packed up her 00000 clothes and moved her exclusively into 0000 - even though most of them are still a little bit too big...

Don't Let Me Go Daddy

Birth ~ Weight: 2890g
~ Length: 48cm
~ Head Circ: 33.5cm


6 Weeks ~ Weight 3500g
~ Length: 51cm
~ Head Circ: ***

My (not so) Little Family :)

Aerynn is 5 weeks old tomorrow... Where has the time gone?!?!?! In that time she has wrapped everyone around her little fingers :) She is a real delight! We've had smiles already and she has the most amazing head control already!! She surpassed the 3kilo mark last week which was a great day as it also meant she had reached her birth weight again - there was a little concern about her being slow to gain, but hopefully that is behind us now. Then this week she came down with a good old dose of gastro :( We got through 3 days of upset tummy's and 2 days later here she is down with a cold :( It's been a tough week, but she's still smiling in-between temperature spikes and the tears, I think we have a little fighter on our hands here :)

Yesterday I FINALLY got myself organised and had a 10 minute window in which to snap some photo's of all the kids together! I keep kicking myself that we don't have any from when Aerynn was firstborn though :( I do have individual ones of the kids with her, but not a group photo. I also still have to get hand and foot prints. It's something I've meant to do with ALL 5 of ours children but still yet to get any!!! I know totally slack :( I WILL rectify that with Aerynn though... one of them will have some prints at least!!!

So for these photo's... They're not the sharpest in focus, Dommy needed bribing with a biscuit which he happily crumbed all over everyone LOL and Aleks was in a "funny" mood and kept pulling faces (so did William to a lesser extent Augh - boys!!!) but here they are, My Little Tassie Terrors + 1 South Australian Beauty <3 <3 <3

She's Here!!!

Yeah a long time between posts I know **blush** But we can now celebrate that our little baby girl is earthside!!!!

Aerynn Paige Nalani Bricknell was born on her due date at home, in water and with no complications at all. She is absolutely perfect in every way imaginable <3 yes we are totally besotted by our littlest princess :) As for stats, she was 48cm long and weighed in a HUGE (not) 2890g (6lb5oz) I've lots of photo's (that should come as no suprise!!!) but here's a few just to share...

12 hours old

14 hours old
with littlest big brother Domenik

13 Days Old
playing (un)dress-ups

13 days old

As soon as I can I will post up her birth story...

Back to Square 1, maybe 2....

I'm livid at the moment.. ABSOLUTELY LIVID!!!!

It may not be much to others but we have been working towards getting Dommy's Metatarsus Adductus and Clubbing of his feet corrected in a way that would avoid long term multiple surgeries and pain - and we were winning the battle! We got his feet to a situation where they were straight, they were no longer rigidly stuck in a deformed position and he was able to wear shoes designed for regular children...

Now, after being promised that there were physio's here in Mt Gambier who knew how to continue the treatment and continue to correct his feet we discover there is NONE!!! No one!!! The one who said she could and would was reading information off the internet before his appointments to see what she was meant to be doing!!! She admitted this to us, that she knew nothing of the Ponseti method of treatment for clubbing and Metatarsus adductus!!!

The curving of the feet show
Domeniks Mettartarsus Adductus, January 2010

"they" (being the physio and podiatry department of the local hospital) decided that he was beyond their training and that his feet were reverting to rigid and tightening into a boomerang shape again and he needed to be referred to the Royal Womens and Childrens Hospital in Adelaide... This decision was made almost 8 months ago!!!

His toes should NOT be pointing this way
while he is standing,

...also there is a 'roll' on his ankles
from the mild clubbing - this became more
obvious as he grew. January 13, 2010

We have been told several times that referrals had been sent. I have followed up myself with the hospital in Adelaide several times after being assured they were sent and they reported they have not received them. Now let me get this straight so you can get a sense of my frustration. Referrals have APPARENTLY been sent regarding this by the physio department - twice, the paediatrician - twice and the podiatrist - once... That makes (if they are telling me truth) 5 referrals that were sent regarding Domeniks feet to this hospital - so why are they not getting there??? Why have we not heard anything?!?!?!!

I found out why today....

THEY DIDN'T SEND THEM!!!!! Not just that, but apparently they CAN'T send a referral for him!!! It's taken all this time for them to bloody well work that all out (yeps, just a little bit mad and incredulous here at the mo) Apparently the only persons who can refer Domenik through is a GP via a special online form or an ortho surgeon!!!

I'm disgusted with their misrepresentation of the situation and hoping against hope that these further delays in getting treatment wont result in the multiple surgeries that we have been trying to avoid! It was bad enough to begin with that we were constantly told he would grow out of it... The relief we had when he was responding to the treatment when we were warned that he may not as he was an "older" starter to Ponseti... And now this...

Domenik hated his casts as he couldn't walk in them,
but he would always smile throughout his treatments...
January 21, 2010

The ability to walk, run and jump without pain or distress is something that we all take for granted... It is something I wanted my baby boy to experience and be able to take advantage of... Now I'm not so sure about it... I know for myself that my foot has never been the same after I broke it and it required surgery. It has numb spots and can tell me when the cold winters rains are on their way and to be frank at times it downright aches! Something it never did before it required surgery... I really don't want any of my kids to have to feel that pain and we were getting there with Domenik! We were actually able to start to believe that he wouldn;t require surgery!!! Now, well the podiatrist here has already said that he will be too old to go back into AFO's and boot and bar from scratch and that we're looking at multiple surgeries as he grows to loosen tendons to stop his feet from curling at the very least, as well as a lifetime of special footwear and orthotics... I know it's not the be all and end all, if this happens it happens we can't stop it and will have to comply as there are no other choices now...

We had many nights of broken sleep,
cramping and frustration with his
boots and bar, but they did their job!
February 17, 2010

It just breaks my heart that my boy may now be subject to these operations we'd been trying to avoid and succeeding at all because of the stupid physio department here at the local hospital and how they have mis-represented themselves to us... IF they were honest and told us from the outset they could not deal with this the Burnie hospital would have referred Domenik to the Royal Womens and Childrens... now they can't and we're over 12 months behind with his treatment...

This was his beautiful straight foot after
coming out of the 5th casting Feb 11, 2010
We moved to Mt Gambier 2 months later,
"they" stopped ALL his treatment within months
of moving here...

His feet had reverted back to their 'boomerang'
shape within 3 months of moving here :(

Now try and tell me that I shouldn't be upset for my little boy....

2011 - My Year...

This year was always intended to be a year of growth and finding myself, and in some weird way it really is turning out to be just that. We're halfway through the year (Already!?!?!) and I'm starting to see that the pains I've been going through are in their own ways 'growing pains'

I'm learning to stand on my own two feet more, and to hell with the consequences. By that I mean that I'm learning to be true to myself. Not to allow others to influence what I do, think and become. Too many times in the past 3 years I look back and realise that i was doing everything to please others and so little to enrich my own life and learning...

I'm learning to pick those who say that they are there for me no matter what, and those that really are. It's so easy for people to say that they support you and will be there for you, but when the pressure is on they crumble. Pressure meaning bad times, negative thoughts, not agreeing etc etc... Pressure doesn't have to mean full on red alarm bells, but even the simple act of not being available for someone else because I have had to priorotise my family instead.. that kind of thing. It's amazing for me to look back and see how when I was the 'yes' person I had people wanting me to do things etc for them, but the minute I had to step back and prioritise myself and my family they faded into the wind or found something about me they didn't like - They're loss ;)

Yes, I know these are HUGE lessons to learn. And as much as these lessons have brought me pain and meant that I've said goodbye to people who I thought were friends or at least good acquaintances, it means that I'm growing - and I guess out-growing these people who have different priorities and beliefs to me. Ultimately I don't care that they have different beliefs, priorities etc at all, we can all get along quite fine and I'm happy to work with that, but they obviously still need 'yes people' around them and I'm not willing to compromise myself like that anymore.. I think that means that I'm quite possibly starting to open my eyes to the world and in a sense grow up :) Finally hehehe

But even with all that learning, growing etc I know that there are still LOTS of things for me to learn and start to change in myself... One of these is being open and willing to accept help. I'm getting pretty good at standing on my own two feet (although I can get the wobbles from time to time) but I've never been good at accepting help... A little bit of that is to do with the fact I've been burnt so many times before by people who have meant to have been there for me meaning that I have lost the innocent ability to trust. I really really need to start working on that... I've always been the person that is there for others no matter what, It's time I started allowing others to be there for me.. of course it would help if I had others in my life who would want to be there LOL All in good time ;) Maybe before I find decent friends and start to build proper friendships where I wont get burnt I need to learn to be a friend to myself first... I've heard that many times before but never felt it applied to me... maybe it's time I stopped and MADE it apply to me for a change!!! Learning to be a friend to myself, trust what I am feeling and doing first, then branch that out to others around me...

I really do need to stop looking at the world as a place where I have to be doing something for other people, have to be there for them and start being there for me... I wonder if that is the biggest lesson I will have to learn this year.. if it is I hope it comes with lots of rewards, because to be quite honest I think it's about time these pains started reaping their benefits - there's only so much a gal can take

Got to Love "Options"

I'm going to say something here that not many people are brave enough to admit to... Something that I've been fighting for the last few days but I can't keep fighting it any more...

I'm Scared.

There, I'm scared - two words that have been bothering me the last few days in particular.

Why am I scared? Because I have doors closing behind me, options are removed and I feel I'm walking a very very lonely path as I see people scuttle to run away and watch what they percieve is a train wreck waiting to happen...

Well I can't allow a train wreck to happen at all. I have to make things work, and have no choice now but to trust myself and allow my body to do what it is made to do - that is bring my baby earthside safely.

It's not Aerynns birth that has be scared though - not at all! I've done it 4 times previously, drug free and reasonably intervention free (thinking Aleks being the one with most intervention due to inducing) Her birth doesn't phase me one bit... It's the "what if's"

The biggest "what is" is our transfer plan. The hospital will allow Aerynn to be born there, that's all ok... but I was told on Wednesday that once I am at the hospital for her birth that I will have no say in my treatment, options or what happens. I can refuse procedures all I want apparently but the Dr said shrugging that "you will have no say in it" It didn't really 'click' with what he was saying at the time... it only dawned on me yesterday...

Where is a persons rights in this kind of situation? I know logically that they can't lay a hand on me without permission, but I know they do and have done here and I'm terrorfied that if we do have to transfer for whatever reason that they will do this!!! I have nothing to back me up or support me in believing that they wont! I don't trust them, I can't trust them with that... The thought of a stranger touching me when I am most vulnerable is scaring me. The thought that I will have no voice, no say in what is happening makes me feel sick to my core...

So yes, I'm scared. On so many different levels... There is NO WAY that I could front up to this hospital and have my baby there, and the only other choice is a homebirth for which I have seen people run as fast away from me as they can as soon as it was something we were considering. I thought I had a great and strong network of friends and support, even though some lived interstate... But the minute I didn't agree with what they believed in they went running away... Great support network hey... Now it's just me, DH and a few others scattered around... I know my parents will be here late July to help out... But the fact that there seems to be no one that I can turn to IRL is hurting me at the moment... I guess I trusted too soon, too deep and too willingly again and am paying the price... I'm not afraid of a homebirth, it is right for us and this situation. It is natural, gentle and not full of voodoo as people seem to want to believe. It is not dangerous, it is the way babies have been brought into this world for generations upon generations before us... There is no way you would be reading this post if it wasn't for your ancestors being home birthed!!! I still struggle to believe that I've lost acquaintances (they weren't friends as I thought as a friend would support you no matter what) because of our choice to homebirth and do things out of the 'norm'. That people have no concept of what we have gone through to even get to this stage with Aerynnn or even our other children!!!

People take for granted that they have friends and family around that can do stuff for them on a daily basis, something as simple as to give them a break... I don't have that luxury, so if I happen to vent or whine too much online there's a reason for it - it's the only place where I can have any meaningful contact with other people... If you don't agree with what I have to do or things happening in my life, don't cut me off - I don't make decisions on the fly, if you stay around long enough you'd know that about me. I research and research and look for alternatives that suit our situation... it may not be what you would do but it is right for me and my family, please allow us that respect! For those who have already turned their backs on me, I guess that shows more about the person you are than anything about me... take off your shoes and try to walk a mile in mine, it's not as simple as you think!

Right now I think I need to try and digest what has happened this week a little more... I don't know where we will stand if we need to transfer Aerynns arrival... I really don't know... The interventions they are talking about can mean a lifetime of physical pain for me - something that isn't easy to consider, let alone the psychological scars that may be left as well... Just imagine how you would feel if you were told that you had no choice but to allow strangers to poke, stick touch you anywhere in your body - including those that have been previously abused... you imagining it is no where near what it would be like living it which is something I now have to consider....

the Good Life :)

Ahhh yeps, smell the fresh air, feel the chill in your fingers, feel the rain on your face, smell the cow dung over the fence.... Whaat?!?!!

Yeps, you heard me right, cow dung... Well over the fence at the kids school that is LOL The Upper Primary class have adopted 2 calves for 6 weeks while they do a "cows are careers" (or something similar to that!!!) course in their class. Aleks being School Captain has had a prominant role in caring for one of the calves (Crumble) and Kahli has had a turn with them as well :) Last weekend we had the pleasure of being the rostered Sunday Morning Feed family... So we rolled out of beds at 7am **yawn** and went off to the school to make sure the calves were being fed by their 8am **yawn, yawn** feedtime....

It was chilly, but the sun was out, there was no rain last weekend (but yesterday when Aleks and Nathan went out to do the evening feed there was - bahaha I got to stay home in front of the fire hehehhhee) and yes, there was a pong LOL Cows babies are like human babies and poop wherever and whenever the urge takes them... lovely ;)

Of course I couldn;t let a photo opportunity go to waste.. so I've documented the mornings feed so the kids can remember one day that they did feed calves, they have had a taste of the realities of living in the country ;)

Mixing the Artificial Feed

Filling the milk bottles - quite literally BTW ;) 2 litre ones each!!!

Ahhh feed time!!!!

Even William had a go!!!

Dom meet Brandy

Brandy "kiss" Dom hehehe
Dommy ran away saying "cows 'ick" after that...
we're not sure if it was meant to be 'lick' or really 'ick LOL

Even Nathan had a tough time evading Brandy's long and slobbery tongue!!!

Aerynn

Our Beautiful Baby Girl.....

Only 10 weeks left until she is due to be in our arms :)

There Comes a Time In Life...

Where you know that enough is enough. When no matter what you do you will never be what others want you to be and that you will never meet with their approval - and that time for me has been reached this last 24 hours.

I knew there was friction, I knew I wasn't liked, I knew that despite my best efforts that there was nothing I could do that would break the ice and allow any decent relationship between certain family members and myself. I know I've done nothing wrong, other than be myself, work hard at keeping my family together, safe and happy... I know that I've bent over backwards, ignored the snide comments, the rolling eyes the lies and twisted truths that were being spread around.... But the time has come where I can ignore all that no longer.

The time has come to start pruning our family tree for the health of our family... Our children do not need to be exposed to the diseased branches that want to do nothing other than cause us pain... pain that my children are now picking up on and it's not fair to them - they've done nothing to deserve this!

When one makes a light hearted joke about something that was said that is then twisted into lies and insults by those who live in their ivory towers it's time to call it a day and realise that if they wish to carry on like that they can, it's not for me to fight this battle any longer.... 14 years of fighting is enough, I should have come to this realisation earlier but for the sake of keeping communication open and in the hope that one day a relationship could be built I persisted - I guess my patience does have a limit after all!!!

So from here on in the branches are trimmed. There will always be avenue for regrowth if there is a level of maturity shown, but until then I guess we stand alone, tall and proud that we know we've done out utmost to make things work... sometimes you just need to get out the saw and weedkiller for the sake of general maintenance!!

You want to give me a label?? Then go ahead - make my day :)

Things are certainly starting to get serious here, I've been working on our budgets and semi-freaked when I realised Nathan gets 3 more paydays before Aerynns due and I have 7 now - eeeekkk!!! That makes the time between now and meeting our littlest girl seem sooooo small - it's racing up on us!!!! And to be honest the tingles of excitement have returned and I'm so looking forward to meeting our squirmy little kicker :)

I'm feeling very reassured now that I've had an opportunity to take with several like minded people about the prospects on how we will be welcoming Aerynn into our family and the situation with hospitals, interventions and transfers here in this part of the state. When you live in big cities or are familiar with a certain area's processes and protocols it would be so easy to sit back and feel confident that you know what to do and that your point of view is right; but we're not familiar with anything around here, it is all foreign to us and the more that we look into things the more alarmed we were becoming at the prospects put before us. Especially in light of the lack of interest in our past experiences etc... This is something that I've never come across before, and is extremely concerning to be treated like a number and brushed aside because you're not known by anyone.

But now, I've had a whole world of options open up to me and it's stirred previous memories and dreams that I had repressed because it wasn't possible in Tasmania. I've re-discovered what made me so passionate about having a family, getting back to the roots of everything that I am. I remembered where and why I became interested in alternatives to modern medicine and common social practices...

These are things that helped us get through difficult times when no one knew what they were dealing with when William was sick, they were avenues I had investigated when I was given the ultimatum at 17 years olf to get pregnant in 3 months or have a hysterectomy - they are things that gave me a reason to continue fighting, questioning etc etc... Things that apparently gave me a 'label' of not running with the social norms...

So what am I re-discovering? Mostly that I'm NOT alone. I'm not the only one who has come up against the obstacles we have been confronted with. I am discovering that there are people out there who are just as passionate about the same things that I am, the things that I was mocked for and made others consider me 'weird' back when I was a late teen... I never identified myself as a hippy etc, but to look into the evolution of medicine and how things were done before we had magical 'gods' in society called doctors is really amazing!

So why shouldn't we start to question things more? Why do we put blind faith in scientists and modern discoveries? How many times do we hear of product recalls, drugs that have been taken off the market all because things aren't what they were originally thought they were to be? Why is it just the 'done thing' that we follow all these new developments like sheep, partake in them blindly trusting that things will be ok because we were told they would be? Since when did it become the norm to let other people take responsibility of our lives? I mean, we put a drug into our body and we develop a nasty side effect in time, who should take responsibility? The person who manufactured the drug or the blind sheep who put it in their body blindly trusting the manufacturers recommendations?

And a lot of people now days are unknowingly returning to those older treatments and processes without realising what they are doing - think day-spas with their aromatherapy, mud, heat and water treatments, then there's those super expensive and exclusive retreats with massage, meditation, whole foods... And what about the wheat-grass drinks, detox, cleansing diets with all the extra natural elements being introduced?? I mean not even going that far, how about household products that are now incorporating natural cleansers, aroma's, natural colourings etc So many things are starting to turn their back on so called modern 'advancements' and returning to a place less chemical, more natural...

I guess this ramble that I'm typing as it comes into my head is simply asking when did we stop taking responsibility of our own decisions and blindly do what society or the people who society looks up to tell us to do? When does personal responsibility start??

I could be labeled weird, or alternative... people might shake their heads and wonder what I'm thinking; but at least I know that I am taking responsibility for my own path in life. It is there because it is my decision to go down that path, not because it is the done thing or it's what everyone else does. I'm doing and planning my future because I am confident that I have researched options, outcomes and can stand by my decision... how many others can honestly say that? If that makes me weird, alternative, hippy etc then so be it! I will proudly wear that label if you want to pin it on my chest - because for me that label translates that I've broken away from the flock, I'm no longer acting blindly like a sheep and that I've taken responsibility for myself and my path in life... I wonder how many out there can truly pin that label upon themselves???

Meet Aerynn

With everything that has happened this past month I neglected to finish this post regarding our morph scan!!! the best news is that everything is looking AOK :) and we've had confirmation (if you've not guessed by now) that we have a little baby girl on board :) We WILL still be having a 28/30 week 3d scan to confirm this so we can be prepared if the first results were wrong and we need a minor op organised - BUT it was pretty obvious in the end that there was 3 lines (there's explanation on lines, turtles etc HERE - warning it does have photo's of external genitalia!!!), no sign of male genitalia... still, I've heard "it's going to be a girl" before and let me just say that William somehow is not a girl LOL

Now our little princess was not as co-operative as she could have been, she refused to give us a profile shot but she did look straight down the transducer so we have a full face image, which isn't as pretty as a profile, but she has huge eyes in it ROFL



So I think most people who know us also know that we name our babies with lots of thought and meaning. Baby's full name will be...

Aerynn Paige Nalani

The meaning of which is special to us. Aerynn is an old Irish name and spelling variation meaning Hope. It's funny but I always felt there was another little girl waiting to join our family and with the losses we've experienced all we could do was hop that one day she would be strong enough to hand in there and join us - and she is!!!! We love a lot of Irish things, their music, the country etc - we had an Irish themed wedding! So it seemed to fit that we chose a name ans spelling that pertains back to this. Paige we believe sounds beautiful when teamed with Aerynn (pronounced like Erin in case you were wondering) and Nalani is a Hawaiian name meaning Heaven. We were originally going to have Neveah, however there's been a LOT of negative connotations with that name and we don't want to have any thing negative fed back on our little girl. So why a name that means or has something to do with heaven? It's simple. we've 8 little ones in heaven watching over us, and to us the fact that Aerynn is still with us is a miracle from Heaven. It's in honour of Aerynn herself, her angel siblings, our journey to be here It in a way is a reminder that all our children are little bits of heaven placed in our arms for us to love for as long as we are blessed to have them :)

So the important thing for us is that she is looking perfect :) There are no soft markers for Downs Syndrome or any other trisomy disorders, her ankles and feet at the moment are looking straight - which means there is no indication of club foot, but her feet will be monitored to ensure that metatarsus adductus does not become an issue with her. At the moment her hips and legs can't be fully evaluated but there's no obvious dislocation - she will have an ultrasound to check on the angle of her hip sockets and the ball joint a few weeks after birth, and at the moment there is no need to book the 'little op' as she does not have the appendage that will cause that problem LOL She has a great looking heart, no sign of any backflow, 2 shadows which will become more obviously kidneys as she gets bigger and a nice round stomach ready for filling with all kinds of yummyness!!! Her spine is complete, straight and looking good - and her measurements are all showing she is growing at a great rate, just under the 50th%ile and no signs of being a big bubba - just like her siblings were :)

So, a great result all around!!! We're finishing our family with a gorgeous little princess and we couldn't be more happier with the results of the scan!! Only 4 weeks until our 3d scan now which will confirm that our little princess is a little girl, and not a prince in disguise LOL And it will also check on her growth and we should have some cute pics of her cherub cheeks and some idea on who's side of the family she might take after... It's a shame we can't see what colouring she'll have... I wonder if we're getting another redhead or a blond headed bubba?? Or even a brunette??? Even though we have a lot of information about her before she arrives there is still a whole world of things to discover about our little one :)

I Never Wanted It To Be Like This...

But it's almost feels like I'm being forced in this direction. Due to life circumstances I've always been very opinionated when it comes to female reproductive health - to the point of directing my studies and career path towards medicine with the view of specialising in gynaecology and obstetrics. Now, I feel like I'm on the verge of becoming a women's rights activist - not that I want to be, but simply in the act of standing up for myself, researching options and finding out more and more I can't help but feel very passionate about the fact that women's rights are being deteriorated and things that are as natural as childbirth are becoming more and more institutionalised and proceduralised...

Anyways, It seems that even labouring in water is considered 'dangerous' here in this state! unless you are of 'low risk'!! I have fought each and every negative point that has been thrown against me and more and more seem to be all but made up in an effort to make me buckle and bow to the system! Now I'm being told because I've had miscarriages I've a higher risk of a PPH - No supporting documentation, I just have to take the good doctor's word.

It really is getting to the point of ridiculous!

Every time I ask for proof, documentation etc etc I get the same time honoured spiel "research and studies" So where is this research and studies? Why when I ask for further information can it not be provided. Why? I can provide plenty to support myself. Why, then, if I have to bow to the powers to be do they not need to provide me with their evidence, with this research they use to back themselves up with??

I'm an educated woman. I know right from wrong. I will NOT put myself or my baby or ANY of my children at risk. Yet I'm just expected to sit down, shut up and do what I'm being told when every fibre of my being is screaming that it's not right in my situation. It's too risky to comply with their wishes... All too often I've seen with my own two eyes that modern medicine does NOT have all the answers. They make so many mistakes that are covered up, they are so often wrong... Why should I continue to put my trust in a system I have seen fail so many, hurt so many - temporarily as well as permanently?? Why? Why should I trust that, they have given me NOTHING to trust other than the phrase "research and studies"

Well this educated woman is going to fight for what is right for her. This educated woman knows that where there's smoke there is fire. This educated woman is NOT going to become another "yes man" for the system. This educated woman is taking control of her life, taking control of her family and taking back the rights that so many women have lost in today's society.

I am who I am

I've a few posts in draft form that I have been working on of late that I don't think will ever be published on this blog. Posts which explained things that happened throughout my life, posts about research I've been doing and the pain and confusion that had set in over the previous few days. This may not be the most eloquent of posts, but you know what - I've come to the realisation (once again) that I am who I am, I don't need to explain myself or defend my decisions at all. I don't need to answer questions about my life or give everyone full details. To be honest it's no one elses business what I've been through and experienced other than my own... Some people know, not many, actually I don't even think my husband knows the full extent of things that I've experienced... and he doesn't need to know...

Anyone who REALLY knows me knows that I'm a private person in reality. There is nothing bad about this, nothing at all! All because people want to know or don't understand things about me doesn't mean that they need to or have the right to know this information. If you can't accept me with what you know about me you'll never accept me. If you don't trust me and have faith that I can make my own decisions then there's nothing I can say or do that will change that perception of me. That is not a fault in me, that is a fault in you. Quite often people question things because they have the fear or the doubt within themselves, not the person they are questioning, it's just hard for them to look inside themselves and realise this.

I'm finding that last point very obvious at times in my life such as now.

I'm in a good place right now. I'm confident in my research, my resolves and what I know I can do. I trust those around me and have faith in my plans and back-ups. My choices and decisions have nothing to do with anyone else other than me and in this case my baby. This has always been the fact. The situation where other people feel they have the right to comment and question me does not reflect upon me, but on their own doubts and lack of faith in themselves and their own capabilities if they were in my position. I have to draw on the strength and trust in myself and find those who I can rely on and in turn trust me. Anyone who knows ANYTHING about me would know how important trust is to me, and how quickly it can be lost and once lost how difficult it is to win it back...

So in saying that, I am so looking forward to welcoming our little Aerynn into this world in a warm, loving and safe environment and details of bringing her earthside are of no concern to anyone other than those I feel confident in sharing this with... This is a private thing for myself and my family... Some details will be shared openly (and there is a personal reason for this which I hope we don't require - but it is there just in case), I will continue to vent and talk to my family using the methods that suit us best and have suited us since moving interstate. For anyone who wishes to be there for us your support and understanding is welcome; any judgment, suspicions and negativity will find the door slammed shut and quick fast!!!

Apologies

I've had a bit of an absence here and it has apparently raised some eyebrows so I guess it's time to come clean, time to share a little of what I've been trying to internalise of late...

I also feel the need to apologise for the fact that with all this happening this month and how I've tried to protect my family and friends from my concerns, worry etc etc that I've also apparently retreated too much and it's become painfully obvious in my lack of participation. I am sincerely sorry for this.. I've a room full of half filled projects that need final touches or the likes, and I've been unable to concentrate enough to do anything productive let alone finish them. I'm going to have to rectify that this week.

So, a little about what has been happening, it's not pretty and probably sounds like a heap of garbled gobbledy-goop... but this has been my life for at least the last month, and no matter what the outcome I need to do my best to at the very least protect my older children from the distress I've been feeling and am currently experiencing...

This last month has been a month of turmoil for me. There has been several celebrations and happy times that I've struggled with to ensure that what was going on in my life, and in my head wouldn't bring others happy times down, or at the very least let me to try and fit in and not appear to be the sad sack leaning on the back wall withdrawing from society. We've also had the joy of finding out our little Splodge is a gorgeous little princess and perfectly healthy and doing all she should be doing. We have already revealed her name (Aerynn Paige Nalani) and her siblings are very excited to meet her. But this high in particular was overshadowed by my appointment with my obstetrician the next day. I had previously been advised that the docs here in Mount Gambier would want to either induce Aerynn or ceaser her so she arrived to their schedule - this I had been kinda prepared for and had a minor panic attack and researched all my options regarding that to present to the good Dr to fight this move. What he presented me with instead has literally turned my life into a real tail spin...

Even though I have had 4 previous drug free labours, quick labours (3 hours from water breaking, 1.5 hours of contractions and super quick second stage), no intervention required labours the doctors have labelled me 'high risk' Their reason is that I am now 35, this is baby #5, I have had 8 miscarriages and I have also had 2 minor post-partum hemorrhages. These hemorrhages were due to midwife intervention and had they allowed my body to do it's job (as they had with my other 2 labours) I would not have had any intervention - as it was no intervention was required for these, they rectified themselves within an hour of my babies being born. I knew about this label a few months ago - I was shocked and felt sick that my plans for another natural, hands free, drug free, non-intervention labour were being thwarted...

So what has the obstetrician said that turned my life so upside down?? The fact that now the doctors are wanting to send me over 400KM away from my family 2 weeks before Aerynn is due, to a city I've never been to, in a city where I know no one (as in never met anyone - I know a couple of people online but that's not the same as 'knowing' them!). They want me to find my own accommodation in Adelaide, pay for it, pay for my transport, go to a hospital I've never been to, deal with midwives and obstetricians I don't know, have my baby with no support!!! My husband is struggling to get time off work as it is, to get time off for an approximate 4 weeks to be with me when Aerynn arrives is going to be impossible. He works full time - and what will happen to our other 4 children? One of whom has Aspergers and struggles with change??? There is no way that Nathan would make the trip from Mt Gambier to Adelaide in the approximate 3 hours that it takes for our babies to arrive, there is no way he can get an extended time off work with no repercussions... I simply don't know how we can make this work and keep a smile on our face and feel supported at the same time as trying to hold out family together...

So I'm in a constant state of panic at the moment. If the doctors here have their way there is no way that I would have any support person that I know for my labour. I wont have a friendly face I recognise when Aerynn is born... I will have no one for the following few days after our princess arrives... no one familiar to visit, to share their joy in person for my baby.. she will be several hours or even days old before her daddy sees her, let alone her siblings... This important bonding time will be lost :( I will be all alone in a city I am not familiar with, in a health system I am still struggling to understand etc...

Oh I know the most important thing is to have a healthy baby and mum.. I know that and I get that... I know they can induce her on a set date to fit into a schedule - however this comes with increased risks again that make my apparent 'risk factors' more risky... Having a baby is something that is natural, something to relish, enjoy (yes I enjoyed bringing my baby into the world) it is not something that should be done to schedule unless there is a medical reason that the baby needs to enter the world earlier than when they need to... Then that comes with it's own complications.... Yes we will be in a bigger hospital who can cope with these complications - but why create these issues in the first place???

I have an appointment this coming Friday with an anaethestist who will give me his answer as to if my fighting and research has paid off and I can have our baby here in Mount Gambier or if they are sending me on for whatever reason they see fit. It's times like these I love the Tassie health system - this would NOT have been happening over there!!! In fact my fertility specialist and obstetrician over there both were keen for me to have more babies because my antenatal care, labours and post natal care were so easy and uncomplicated!!!

So I've spent the month researching other options. I've been in a mad panic I guess.. trying to find something that can keep my family together as well as bring Aerynn into the world when she wants to arrive in the safest way possible... And to be honest it's not an easy thing to work towards when you're in a regional area. There are no independent midwives practicing around here, so the only choice I seem to have at the moment is to have what is called a "Freebirth" And to be honest the thought at the moment terrorfies me.

"freebirth" is where you birth your baby at home, with no assistance. There will be no one to help me if something goes wrong other than maybe a support person (my hubby) and the phone ready to dial 000. I know my previous labours haven't had complications, but that doesn't mean Aerynn's will either... I know this has been done several times and safely, I know that there is support for home-births and free-births and I've been doing my best to find that... But the reality is starting to set in about what we're facing, the risks etc... It's just sheer panic about the unknown I think coupled with the realisation at how much I was comforted by knowing if anything went wrong there was help just around the corner in the hospital... We live a 5 minute drive from the hospital at most and just around the corner from the ambulance station so in the scheme of things have help close at hand, but I've also been told that if I'm ordered to transfer the doctors can refuse to treat me unless Aerynn is already born - they can transfer me mid-labour to Adelaide!!! To be possibly forced into this position has me unable to sit still, unable to concentrate... in a state where I'm trying to control my emotions to not let on to the outside world that my plans for our new baby aren't panning out as expected...

So again I apologise. I have been trying to keep this personal situation out of the public eye. I can't have my children think anything negative about the arrival of their sister and I can't allow them to know how worried I am at the moment. This is meant to be a happy time., a time to be relaxing and enjoying middle pregnancy and baby kicking and growing etc... After Friday I'll at least know what path we're walking down with our baby and be able to concentrate rather worry about someone else making their decisions - I'll have a clearer picture and be able to focus on that... Hopefully I've been worrying for nothing, but at the very least I now know that there are alternatives, even though they're not what I planned there are ways to keep my family together... Until then I will make a more concerted effort to push my worries and fears etc aside and plug back in to everyone and life in general...

So Much To Share!!!

It's been sooooo long since I've blogged here (over 2 weeks - shameful!!!) and SO much has happened!!!

Firstly and most excitedly - the kids are back at school - woohoo!!!

First Day at School 2011

They LOVE it, they have friends, they have teachers who REALLY care and are allready coming along in leaps and bounds!!! It's really a HUGE relief and so inspiring to see them wanting to go to school and thirsty for learning once again!!! It's what school should be for them at last :) And what is even more astounding for me... Aleks - yes my Aleks, aspie, shy, wall flower Aleks stood up in front of the school and gave a speech for school captain elections!!!! I can't believe that he had the courage to actually do it!!! He'd been working on his speech for a whole week prior to the elections and was so nervous - I really didn't think he would go through with it - but he did!!! 3 times over!!!! (once for each class group) But you know what is even more AMAZING - he got the role!!!!! yes you read that right

ALEKSANDIR BRICKNELL IS SCHOOL CAPTAIN!!!!!!

I never thought I would be typing (or even thinking) those words - EVER!!! Seriously, if anyone had told me that he would have got up in front of the class to voluntarily give a speech I would have scoffed at you... if you had told me that he would give a speech 3 times over to the whole school I would have told you to go check in at the laughed in your face (nicely of course)... If you had told me my boy would be school captain I would have signed you into the looney bin myself!!! I still struggle to believe it!!! It's just such a HUGE and amazing thing for him to have done - and for himself... he really has come such a long long way from the little boy we shed tears for after the psychiatrist told us his autism would worsen as he matured.... it's like he's deliberately gone out there to prove the opposite!!! To say I'm proud of him is an understatement... I don't know what the term is, but proud doesn't even cover it :)


What else has happened... Splodge is now 15 weeks along!!!! He/she has been squirming and kicking and I've been feeling a few nudges, flutters and bubbles :) I can't wait for our next scan to get an inkling if we're looking at a blue or a pink bundle - I had a really vivid dream that I was being passed a pink bundle and told her name was Aerynn a few days ago - just like the dream I had with Aleks so I'm starting to get a little hopeful of a pink bundle.. but trying not to at the same time!!!

And it was William's 10th birthday yesterday :) To think we were told by his paed that he shouldn't have made it and now look at him!!! Cheeky 10 year old!!! I've still got pics to upload (yes slack!!!) but will post some as soon as I get myself orgamanised ;)

So, yeah a LOT has been happening... Appointments (Kahli had her first session with her psych... jury is still open as to if we'll get anywhere but can only try!!!!) we're plannign for our trip to Adelaide in 2 weeks and had a rental inspection - all good ummm yeah a lot has happened..... oh I got stungded by a bee and came off worse for wear... oh what else.... I can't think at the moment so will leave it there - you'll just have to trust me, a LOT has happened, but we're all safe, we're all happy and things are REALLY looking up for us!!!! :)

Meet 'Splodge'

Thankyou so much everyone for putting up with my irrational rantings the last 12 weeks - I know I'm probably coming across as the insane woman who worries about everything... I've no excuse really - I just knew that this was it - there was no trying again, no way I was going to continue to hold my emotions out to dry if 'splodge' didn't hang in there...

We've got 8 little babies already in heaven. Yes I do believe that from conception they are life - so they are beautiful beings in heaven now watching over their earthly siblings. There was no way that I could continue with the heartbreak of saying goodbye to another baby that we didn't get to meet. As it is Nathan wants 6 kids in total.. I can't agree to that - I'm not in the position to do that any more. 'Splodge' will definitely be the crowning glory to our family. 'Splodge' is it - and I'm completely at peace with that decision.

So todays scan went great - I know I was sooo worried... to the point I was making myself feel so ill this morning!!! I was certain I was going to walk away with bad news. But 5 seconds after putting the transducer to my belly the technician turned the screen to me and said "here is your baby and here is it's heartbeat" Much more beautiful words than "I'm sorry" :) And yes, I blubbered - not much, just a little... I think the joy will hit me later... We had a NT measurement of 1.6mm (not certain what the bloods are - they will be back in a week or so) and a little nose is present so that's all good... We also have 2 legs, 2 arms, a stomach (important for bricknell kids ROFL) a brain a great heartbeat and the hiccups LOL

This evening since the scan I've been in a state of numbness... I don't know if to cry, scream, jump up and down etc etc.. I feel elated but not sure how to let these emotions I've been bottling the last 12 weeks (really 18 months) out... It's a weird place to be.... I don't even feel like I can go to a baby store and tempt myself with their gorgeous baby delights - I feel kind of like I'm jinxing myself... as though it's not really real..... That probably sounds really weird!! I know the numbness will wear off... It's going to take some time to break down the wall that I've built around my emotions - considering we've had 2 missed miscarriages within the last 18 months I think I was entitaled to have a wall up to protect me... Now we've had great news I have to start dismantling that wall and allow myself to relax and be happy and enjoy being pregnant for one last time - it WILL be the last time and I want to enjoy it, remember it all.. I want to be happy and relax... I think we can afford that luxury now....

So without further ado, I introduce you to our little miracle....

Meet Splodge
12w4d

I'm not worried...

I'm not worried... I'm not worried.... I'm not worried...

Maybe if I say it often enough I might start to believe it!!!

Tomorrow is a HUGE day for us, well in the life of Splodge it is at least. Tomorrow we will get an inkling as to if Splodge is going to hang in there for the long haul... Tomorrow is our scan that is past the 12 week mark - which means splodge (if still with us) has made it further than his siblings that we lost at a late stage.... Tomorrow we also find out if there are any markers for serious genetic disorders (which I'm honestly NOT worried about!!!) My biggest fear is walking into the scan room (I will be by myself as we also have a rental inspection on at the same time so Nathan will be escorting our lovely RE agent through the house (seriously she IS great!! Couldn't ask for better!!!) and being told there is no heart beat. I remember that feeling all too vividly from previous scans...

Those scans were at earlier stages, we'd not expected it.. After the first one and the ob telling us it was pure chance and wont happen again - and then it DID happen again... I really don't trust myself at the moment to believe anything other than those two words to be uttered "I'm sorry"

So as much as I feel internally positive all is well with splodge - I mean you have to have some kind of faith, I am terrified that I'll be hearing those two words at the same time....

I really want to curl up in a ball and sleep the next 2 days away, wake up on the weekend and be told everything is OK, nothing to worry about... But I know that's not going to happen... I've got to be awake and alert for whatever will happen... I truly hate this feeling - expecting the worst, trying not to burst into tears with the worry and fear...

I guess being busy is the best thing to do at the moment.. So I'll do just that... I'll keep busy and just not stop to think until Tomorrow is done with... I might be worried and terrified, but I wont allow my brain to stop and feel it!!!

It's been a while....

Well it feels like it at least LOL My leg issue kept up for a whole week. I was able to do not much at all :( It ended up being from dehydration - no DVT here (thank goodness!!!) The theory is that I was dehydrated to the point I unbalanced the electrolytes in my body.. I needed several doses of gatorade huge quantities of water and lots of veggies and red meat to get me back to normal!!! there's been not a twinge **touch wood** for 3 days now so I'm hoping that is the last of that!!!

I had my first midwife appointment on Friday.. Everything is going well as far as we can tell... BP is really good, symptoms are all easing and no more signs of miscarriage **touch wood** I'm looking forward to this coming Friday's scan to ensure that all is really going well inside. I can now feel bubby's fundus so I know there is growth happening in there - so all good I guess so far :) I think I'm still holding back a bit 'just in case' but once we're past this scan I think we'll start to relax and enjoy the journey a little bit more :) I've still not been able to make any baby purchases.. previously we've been oohing and aahing already at this stage.. making lists etc etc but not this time - I want to know all is going well before I relax that much - I might even wait until the morphology scan in 8 weeks before we do anything like that - and hopefully we will have a hint at if we're buying pink or blue by then too!!! **fingers crossed**

What else has been happening??? Well we're in the middle of the back to school preparations. I will make the run out to Compton with the kids this Thursday to hand in their enrollment paperwork and collect their book packs - oh and of course hand over copious amounts of money for school fees ROFL Then we have all of 3 days to cover, name and decorate all their books **eeeeeekkkkkkk** It will be a child a day I think ;)

Domenik has become our little parrot - he's copying EVERYTHING we say now.. right down to him singing out "oh my God" in a song over and over this afternoon - he thought it was great to see everyone's expressions change when we realised what he was saying!! ! LOL He's also had a paed appointment this week jsut gone which has resulted in him being prescribed an epi-pen jnr for his bee sting allergy, getting a referral to the Adelaide woman's and childrens hospital for assessment for his foot (his left foot is becoming very rigid and looks like it's going to need further treatment) and both he and William also got referrals to see an allergist up there!!! The Pead was lovely - I couldn't fault her.. well except where she said that we're the most allergic family she's ever dealt with LOL It was lovely to have someone listen and understand and not question our experiences...

The other kids - well I ahve to admit it, they're growing up **sigh** Not always good, they're attitudes are growing a lot faster than their little bodies in a lot of cases!!! Sheesh are they ever!!! LOL little do they know but mummy has lots of experience with dealing with mouthy kids, and mummy has lots of privileges that they have access to that she can withhold mwahahhaa Yeps mummy is prepared to get tough and play dirty if need be ;)

I guess I should go get Dommy ready to bed right about now.. I'm feeling rather tired myself after a HUGE day at the beach yesterday with Vicki and her clan :) I'll post more about that tomorrow (all going well) after I've downloaded all the pics I took ;) For now, Aleks had a hair cut the other day and was sooo proud of his new 'surfer' hairstyle that he wanted me to take a photo to show his nanny - so I'm going to put it here too mwahahaha He's going to HATE me for this hahaha but he's growing up too quickly and one day we'll look back on these photo's in awe at how far he's come :)

Pre-Haircut
03 Jan 2011

Post Haircut
20 Jan 2011

PS: don't forget to check out my crafty blog over here - LOTS has been happening - I'm now crafting for an Australian chipboard company - Words or Whatever - WOW :)

Struggling...

That's what I've been lately... Not so much in a negative way, but struggling with myself mostly. These hormonal moods haven't been helped with the tragic news of the floods that have hit the eastern side of Australia - it's a huge disaster and the stories that come out of this kind of thing are such a mix of tragedy and joy that it's hard to watch any news or read anything without ending up in tears...

The other thing I'm struggling with is a physical thing. I've been getting these horrid pains in my left leg. The doctor suspected it may be a DVT at first, but no swelling or hot spots have developed so it seems that I've upset the electrolyte balance within myself after the anti-biotics I was on gave me errrm... watery side effects (LOL TMI probably hehhee) But it apparently wiped me and dehydrated me more than I thought which has results now in almost 4 days of full on calf cramps that just don't want to be eased!!! I've never EVER had anything like it!!! At times it's rendered me in tears of pain and frustration... it's really limiting - I simply drove down town this afternoon to get some bloods taken and I didn't think I was going to make it home again!!! Down town is but a 1 km drive - we walk it regularly, but driving it rendered me in so much pain this afternoon just by using the clutch :(

I was prescribed a big dose of gatorade which helped a bit, but now I need to look at getting some magnesium and calcium supplements to go with it - I also need to keep gatorading for a little while more... All things going well I should be back to normal within a few days - I can't wait because you don't realise how much you rely on your legs until you can't use them - they really do a lot of work with little complaint most of the time!!!

Well that's my little whinge for the day.. I was meant to be out scrapping with some friends tonight but my silly leg was playing up too much so am stuck home feeling sorry for myself - sorry... Hopefully I'll be back to normal like I said very very soon :)

My Little Poser

I just have a quick share...

Whilst I've been doing my photo-a-day project little Dom has been my shadow - he ADORES the camera!!! He's soooo not shy and his antics are simply adorable (well of course he's my Dommy boy hehehe)

When I did a photo of Aleksandir on day 3, Dommy was there literally pushing Aleks out of the view of the camera - seriously - huge shoves so he could take centre stage. I tried to get him to pose with Aleks - but no.. he wanted the limelight to himself.

Ok I thought - he was just being too cute and it's a one off, just a good day for him to be cheeky...

Then yesterday - I took William out the front to get a photo.. Dommy did the same thing!!! huge shoves to push William away from the camera - and then when Wil moved Dom would hunker down, pose himself (tilted head and all) and pull out a cheesy super sweet smile!!!! Oh it was too funny!!!! William decided he wanted to pose around the silver birch we have in the front yard - Once he had finished mucking around posing etc little Dommy came up behind him and started posing himself - Oh seriously - he was too cute (albeit with a super grotty saucy face left over from dinner!!!), anyone would think he was a professional model, when he heard the camera click he'd re-position himself slightly and strike a pose again!!!

Domenik the Model

Now I wonder if he's going to do the same today when I take Kahli out to get some shots of her.... Guess time will tell... but by going on previous experience Model Dommy will be striking poses all over again :)

He really does know how to grab the attention and make us all laugh :)

Back to School Preparations....

Wow it's almost that time already!!!! It feels tooo soon for us because the mainland states that have 4 terms go back to school 2 weeks earlier than Tassie so we're not used to January back to school - but it explains why kmart etc have back to school sales so early in the year (we didn't understand why when living back in Tas LOL)

I personally LOVE shopping for stationery - I get totally sucked in with new pencils, paper, books etc etc :) so love this time of year ;) We've no idea what will be in the kids school book packs so are preparing for it being totally minimal so will get a full quota of stationary products (yeah!!) and whatever isn't required for school will be used at home (by me mwahaha) for homework purposes.

So making lists at the moment for a trawl around the shops later this afternoon :) Ahhh I love hopping for back to school!!! Well I love shopping for stationary for me too bahahahaha