Sunday, June 12, 2011

2011 - My Year...

This year was always intended to be a year of growth and finding myself, and in some weird way it really is turning out to be just that. We're halfway through the year (Already!?!?!) and I'm starting to see that the pains I've been going through are in their own ways 'growing pains'

I'm learning to stand on my own two feet more, and to hell with the consequences. By that I mean that I'm learning to be true to myself. Not to allow others to influence what I do, think and become. Too many times in the past 3 years I look back and realise that i was doing everything to please others and so little to enrich my own life and learning...

I'm learning to pick those who say that they are there for me no matter what, and those that really are. It's so easy for people to say that they support you and will be there for you, but when the pressure is on they crumble. Pressure meaning bad times, negative thoughts, not agreeing etc etc... Pressure doesn't have to mean full on red alarm bells, but even the simple act of not being available for someone else because I have had to priorotise my family instead.. that kind of thing. It's amazing for me to look back and see how when I was the 'yes' person I had people wanting me to do things etc for them, but the minute I had to step back and prioritise myself and my family they faded into the wind or found something about me they didn't like - They're loss ;)

Yes, I know these are HUGE lessons to learn. And as much as these lessons have brought me pain and meant that I've said goodbye to people who I thought were friends or at least good acquaintances, it means that I'm growing - and I guess out-growing these people who have different priorities and beliefs to me. Ultimately I don't care that they have different beliefs, priorities etc at all, we can all get along quite fine and I'm happy to work with that, but they obviously still need 'yes people' around them and I'm not willing to compromise myself like that anymore.. I think that means that I'm quite possibly starting to open my eyes to the world and in a sense grow up :) Finally hehehe

But even with all that learning, growing etc I know that there are still LOTS of things for me to learn and start to change in myself... One of these is being open and willing to accept help. I'm getting pretty good at standing on my own two feet (although I can get the wobbles from time to time) but I've never been good at accepting help... A little bit of that is to do with the fact I've been burnt so many times before by people who have meant to have been there for me meaning that I have lost the innocent ability to trust. I really really need to start working on that... I've always been the person that is there for others no matter what, It's time I started allowing others to be there for me.. of course it would help if I had others in my life who would want to be there LOL All in good time ;) Maybe before I find decent friends and start to build proper friendships where I wont get burnt I need to learn to be a friend to myself first... I've heard that many times before but never felt it applied to me... maybe it's time I stopped and MADE it apply to me for a change!!! Learning to be a friend to myself, trust what I am feeling and doing first, then branch that out to others around me...

I really do need to stop looking at the world as a place where I have to be doing something for other people, have to be there for them and start being there for me... I wonder if that is the biggest lesson I will have to learn this year.. if it is I hope it comes with lots of rewards, because to be quite honest I think it's about time these pains started reaping their benefits - there's only so much a gal can take
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