Friday, June 10, 2011

Got to Love "Options"

I'm going to say something here that not many people are brave enough to admit to... Something that I've been fighting for the last few days but I can't keep fighting it any more...

I'm Scared.

There, I'm scared - two words that have been bothering me the last few days in particular.

Why am I scared? Because I have doors closing behind me, options are removed and I feel I'm walking a very very lonely path as I see people scuttle to run away and watch what they percieve is a train wreck waiting to happen...

Well I can't allow a train wreck to happen at all. I have to make things work, and have no choice now but to trust myself and allow my body to do what it is made to do - that is bring my baby earthside safely.

It's not Aerynns birth that has be scared though - not at all! I've done it 4 times previously, drug free and reasonably intervention free (thinking Aleks being the one with most intervention due to inducing) Her birth doesn't phase me one bit... It's the "what if's"

The biggest "what is" is our transfer plan. The hospital will allow Aerynn to be born there, that's all ok... but I was told on Wednesday that once I am at the hospital for her birth that I will have no say in my treatment, options or what happens. I can refuse procedures all I want apparently but the Dr said shrugging that "you will have no say in it" It didn't really 'click' with what he was saying at the time... it only dawned on me yesterday...

Where is a persons rights in this kind of situation? I know logically that they can't lay a hand on me without permission, but I know they do and have done here and I'm terrorfied that if we do have to transfer for whatever reason that they will do this!!! I have nothing to back me up or support me in believing that they wont! I don't trust them, I can't trust them with that... The thought of a stranger touching me when I am most vulnerable is scaring me. The thought that I will have no voice, no say in what is happening makes me feel sick to my core...

So yes, I'm scared. On so many different levels... There is NO WAY that I could front up to this hospital and have my baby there, and the only other choice is a homebirth for which I have seen people run as fast away from me as they can as soon as it was something we were considering. I thought I had a great and strong network of friends and support, even though some lived interstate... But the minute I didn't agree with what they believed in they went running away... Great support network hey... Now it's just me, DH and a few others scattered around... I know my parents will be here late July to help out... But the fact that there seems to be no one that I can turn to IRL is hurting me at the moment... I guess I trusted too soon, too deep and too willingly again and am paying the price... I'm not afraid of a homebirth, it is right for us and this situation. It is natural, gentle and not full of voodoo as people seem to want to believe. It is not dangerous, it is the way babies have been brought into this world for generations upon generations before us... There is no way you would be reading this post if it wasn't for your ancestors being home birthed!!! I still struggle to believe that I've lost acquaintances (they weren't friends as I thought as a friend would support you no matter what) because of our choice to homebirth and do things out of the 'norm'. That people have no concept of what we have gone through to even get to this stage with Aerynnn or even our other children!!!

People take for granted that they have friends and family around that can do stuff for them on a daily basis, something as simple as to give them a break... I don't have that luxury, so if I happen to vent or whine too much online there's a reason for it - it's the only place where I can have any meaningful contact with other people... If you don't agree with what I have to do or things happening in my life, don't cut me off - I don't make decisions on the fly, if you stay around long enough you'd know that about me. I research and research and look for alternatives that suit our situation... it may not be what you would do but it is right for me and my family, please allow us that respect! For those who have already turned their backs on me, I guess that shows more about the person you are than anything about me... take off your shoes and try to walk a mile in mine, it's not as simple as you think!

Right now I think I need to try and digest what has happened this week a little more... I don't know where we will stand if we need to transfer Aerynns arrival... I really don't know... The interventions they are talking about can mean a lifetime of physical pain for me - something that isn't easy to consider, let alone the psychological scars that may be left as well... Just imagine how you would feel if you were told that you had no choice but to allow strangers to poke, stick touch you anywhere in your body - including those that have been previously abused... you imagining it is no where near what it would be like living it which is something I now have to consider....


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