Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I am who I am

I've a few posts in draft form that I have been working on of late that I don't think will ever be published on this blog. Posts which explained things that happened throughout my life, posts about research I've been doing and the pain and confusion that had set in over the previous few days. This may not be the most eloquent of posts, but you know what - I've come to the realisation (once again) that I am who I am, I don't need to explain myself or defend my decisions at all. I don't need to answer questions about my life or give everyone full details. To be honest it's no one elses business what I've been through and experienced other than my own... Some people know, not many, actually I don't even think my husband knows the full extent of things that I've experienced... and he doesn't need to know...

Anyone who REALLY knows me knows that I'm a private person in reality. There is nothing bad about this, nothing at all! All because people want to know or don't understand things about me doesn't mean that they need to or have the right to know this information. If you can't accept me with what you know about me you'll never accept me. If you don't trust me and have faith that I can make my own decisions then there's nothing I can say or do that will change that perception of me. That is not a fault in me, that is a fault in you. Quite often people question things because they have the fear or the doubt within themselves, not the person they are questioning, it's just hard for them to look inside themselves and realise this.

I'm finding that last point very obvious at times in my life such as now.

I'm in a good place right now. I'm confident in my research, my resolves and what I know I can do. I trust those around me and have faith in my plans and back-ups. My choices and decisions have nothing to do with anyone else other than me and in this case my baby. This has always been the fact. The situation where other people feel they have the right to comment and question me does not reflect upon me, but on their own doubts and lack of faith in themselves and their own capabilities if they were in my position. I have to draw on the strength and trust in myself and find those who I can rely on and in turn trust me. Anyone who knows ANYTHING about me would know how important trust is to me, and how quickly it can be lost and once lost how difficult it is to win it back...

So in saying that, I am so looking forward to welcoming our little Aerynn into this world in a warm, loving and safe environment and details of bringing her earthside are of no concern to anyone other than those I feel confident in sharing this with... This is a private thing for myself and my family... Some details will be shared openly (and there is a personal reason for this which I hope we don't require - but it is there just in case), I will continue to vent and talk to my family using the methods that suit us best and have suited us since moving interstate. For anyone who wishes to be there for us your support and understanding is welcome; any judgment, suspicions and negativity will find the door slammed shut and quick fast!!!
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