Thursday, January 27, 2011

I'm not worried...

I'm not worried... I'm not worried.... I'm not worried...

Maybe if I say it often enough I might start to believe it!!!

Tomorrow is a HUGE day for us, well in the life of Splodge it is at least. Tomorrow we will get an inkling as to if Splodge is going to hang in there for the long haul... Tomorrow is our scan that is past the 12 week mark - which means splodge (if still with us) has made it further than his siblings that we lost at a late stage.... Tomorrow we also find out if there are any markers for serious genetic disorders (which I'm honestly NOT worried about!!!) My biggest fear is walking into the scan room (I will be by myself as we also have a rental inspection on at the same time so Nathan will be escorting our lovely RE agent through the house (seriously she IS great!! Couldn't ask for better!!!) and being told there is no heart beat. I remember that feeling all too vividly from previous scans...

Those scans were at earlier stages, we'd not expected it.. After the first one and the ob telling us it was pure chance and wont happen again - and then it DID happen again... I really don't trust myself at the moment to believe anything other than those two words to be uttered "I'm sorry"

So as much as I feel internally positive all is well with splodge - I mean you have to have some kind of faith, I am terrified that I'll be hearing those two words at the same time....

I really want to curl up in a ball and sleep the next 2 days away, wake up on the weekend and be told everything is OK, nothing to worry about... But I know that's not going to happen... I've got to be awake and alert for whatever will happen... I truly hate this feeling - expecting the worst, trying not to burst into tears with the worry and fear...

I guess being busy is the best thing to do at the moment.. So I'll do just that... I'll keep busy and just not stop to think until Tomorrow is done with... I might be worried and terrified, but I wont allow my brain to stop and feel it!!!
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