I'm not Looking Forward to November...

I'm posting this now because I hope that I can handle myself and control my emotions so I don't have too bad a month.

November was meant to be a month full of new joy for us. It's the month that our latest angel was due... Our baby was due on the 22nd of November 2010. With previous losses I've not been that crash hot come to due date... I really hope I can hold myself together this year...

It only struck me this morning that tomorrow will be November... I should be complaining about aching back and joints, braxton hicks, swelling hands and feet.. but instead I sit and snuggle my earth children and wonder what this baby would have been like, if it was a boy or a girl, what colour eyes he/she would have had, hair, smell etc etc....

I can't allow myself to dwell too much though, I don't want to get down and struggle to come up for air again.

I guess it hasn't helped finding out a friends grandson was born with wings last Friday - unexpectedly. He was too small and precious for this earth :( I wonder how I would cope if our babies were that bit bigger that we could hug them and kiss them and see them.... they weren't 'simply' miscarriages...

Anyways, if I go nutso this month please forgive me. If I get too down - well I need to be allowed to be down a little but if you see me get too down please kick my backside and remind me what i have on earth already :)

November should be a good month for us, but I know there will be a little sadness and a few tears... I really hope I keep an handle on my emotions etc....

Ahhhh Peace and Quiet....

I'm exhausted - happy exhausted though :) Kahli had a birthday sleep over last night, her best friend Abby came and spent the night and most of the day today :) They had a blast - typical girly sleepover - 3am **gasp** pillow fight and all!!!! William also had some friends from the street stay over, and Aleks had a school sleep over so we lost one of ours but gained 3 others LOL

Soooooo I'm ready to drop after a night of hardly any sleep in amongst the whispers, giggles, boy/girl germ comments and pillow fights...

Happy exhausted because all the kids are settling. Aleks came home from camp talking about his new friends he made and **sigh** everything is just feeling so right at the moment!!!!

happy happy happy :)

so with that I'm off to bed... sleep is calling me, although it wont be for a sleep in as apparently the $2 league bowling is back up and running and my bowling family can't resist a bargain such as that **sigh** LOL

Happy Birthday Squirt xxx

Well my baby girl turns 11 in 3 hours... Wow time really does fly.... I guess she's not a baby anymore, she's not even really a little girl, she's fast becoming a young lady - now that's scary!!!

I can remember vividly what I was doing at age 11, so I assume she will to... to think that things we do today could be the things she caries with her for the rest of her life, kinda makes those daily things even more important...

Anyways, I hope to get a post in here tomorrow for my special girl, but just in case needed to wish her a happy birthday for tomorrow... Kahli has put in her order for her birthday tea and has asked for my lamb burgers for dinner - that's so nice, it's my own recipe and she said it's her favourite :) Oh and she want's cheesecake, I need to remember to get it done in the morning so it's ready for dinner - if anyone knows of a good quick cheesecake recipe please share!!!

So for now, Kahli, my gorgeous little spitfire, I hope you have a lovely birthday and it's everything you want, You're such a special little lady and I want you to start believing in yourself and turn into the magnificent woman you have the potential to become. Love you always Squirt xxxx

uh-oh...

I've been told that apparently my blog post yesterday was a little harsh... Well, maybe... I mean I do have a terminal case of verbal diarrhoea when I let my thoughts ramble and I just type away... LOL

Anyhoos, I don't want to really make this blog about my old friendship - I mean we had good times, we had a lot of down times and it was what I thought was a good friendship, until someone changed her mind and became influenced by others around her and started talking out of school. She chose to change to a point where she was using profane language to my mother and telling my mum to f*** off... Now, I'm sorry but in my book that is something that is borderline forgivable but not forgettable, and there is no way I could associate with anyone who has not only spoken to me like that but also my mother

On top of that saying one thing to a persons face and another behind their back was starting to gripe on me, everything added up - so yes, we had what I believed to be a good and close friendship, but the minute I wasn't able to live in her pocket day in and day out her attention turned elsewhere and everything we supposedly had was rubbished, abused and pushed aside - and excuses came flooding forth as to why this was all happening - in an attempt to push the blame back onto me. I can't go forward with a friendship like that... That is why I was so happy and relieved when I was shown these photo's that I felt nothing. I knew that I had moved on. I am ready to continue my life with this friendship being a part of my past. It and she is not a part of my future and I accept that and am happy with that.

I don't want to come across as a nasty pasty who has celebrated wiping someone out of their life for nothing - believe me I'm not like that. I know that if you're my friend I'll hold onto you as tightly as possible and it takes a lot for me to loosen that grip on you (be warned mwahahaha) but start to turn on me and my loyalty will be questioned... Be abusive towards my family and you're gone - especially when they've done nothing but drop everything to be by your side and support you, babysit for you, shelter you, stop you from doing stupid things when wanting to end your life, answer your tearful calls at midnight after your ex abused you and run to your side at all hours - yes that was not only me but also my mum and this was the thanks we received... Sorry but do that and I know that you're not the right sort of person to be in my life... THAT is what yesterdays post was all about.

Sorry for not being too clear, I'm not nasty, just a human being who is moving forward with her life :)

Onwards and Upwards - I soooo am loving that saying hahaha BTW remember my mantra - "You don't always get answers for what happens - because sometimes the answers were not for you, they were lessons for someone else..." I really do think that was the case here... I can only hope that what happened the answer was for me to be there to help her get through this stage in her life, now it's time for me to move on and start with my own life - it's the least I can do for myself and my family :)

And She's Been Doing it Again...

...writing posts to blog here in my head and getting things out of my system that way and not actually blogging them - I guess that's healthy and still healing in a way... but no good if I want to look back in years to come to see how I got through things, my through processes etc... Oh well... probably less dribble for others to read through LOL

Anyhoos, things are going really great here. I wake up with a silly contented smile on my face that rarely leaves - it's soooo good to be happy!!! I didn't realise how much I had let other people influence me and bring me down!!! I mean in my head I knew things had to change, but it wasn't going to happen without a shove - and once that shove happened and we were away from those influences - wow!! the lightness, relief and lack of stress is AMAZING!!! I feel young again, I feel there's a spring in my step and I feel I have positive things to look forward to for the long term future - not just worrying about the rest of the day/week etc - long term as in years down the track - I can see a positive FUTURE :) That's all good.. that's the way life should be!!!

A big thing happened this week. I was sent a link to some pics online of a person I had considered a friend. I didn't really want to see them but I was told to have a peek - to see for myself how I felt and to see how some things had changed back in Tas... Well... I opened them and you know what - I didn't feel anything. I had thought I'd feel sad or guilty about leaving and getting on with my life - but nopes... Nothing like that at all!!! In fact I felt sorry for her. I also felt happy that I was not in the influence that this person was experiencing in the photo's and knew that her lifestyle and choices were not where I wanted to be or even want to be headed... I felt happy that this person was no longer in my life - and you know what... it's really made me see that this was the right thing for us :) I am so so SO happy to have left my past behind me and am moving onto bigger and better things, living my life for myself not to make sure others get through the day and not being held back and in the company of people I would not want to be like, linked to or associated in any way with - it probably makes no sense to anyone reading this, but it does to me and I really needed to get that out - especially the fact that I could close those pics and walk away and know for certain this is right for me, us and everyone around me :)

I also realised it's been AGES since I've posted any pics of my gorgeous kids :) Today I completed another scrapbooking cyber crop for SBT50 and had to race to get some pics of my kids pulling faces for the final challenge - so here they are, in all their shaggy, face-pulling morning glory - just remember these pics were taken for a purpose - it's not their normal faces ROFL

Aleksandir - yes that's meant to be a funny face LOL

Kahli - no idea how she can cross her eyes on demand like that!!!

William - need I say any more, typical Wil!!!

Domenik - this is the closest I could get to him pulling a
face on demand - not bad for a 2 year old ;)

There's more pics and scrappy LO's on my crafty blog - My Crafty Retreat

I'm soooooo not ready for this!!!

Today at bowling Aleks came up to me, I thought he was going to start on with something smart (he's discovered the art of smart arse comments augh!!!) but instead he asked me if I could see any hair on his upper lip - OMG!! You could have knocked me over with a feather - this is how the conversation went...

A - can you see any hair on my lip mum?
me - no, why?
A - because I want a moustache
me (not sure where this was heading so a little uncertain) - why?
a - because it will make me more of a MAN (said with a macho sounding grunty voice)

Oh no - I'm soooo not ready for my Aleks to be a man yet - he still need to be a boy a little longer **sob** time is flying by tooo fast - I mean in reality he could be off to university and moving out of home in 5-6 years time!!! Can't I have my Zander-boy just a bit longer.... please.....

Post It Note Tuesday: Thankful

Well it seems blogger has updated itself again - no idea what this new linky thing does and no inclination to fiddle at the moment - I'm likely to stuff something up hahaha

Anyhoos, I thought I'd jump on in with the phenomena that is known as Post It Note Tuesday... Basically every Tuesday you blog in post it notes, so all note form, short, succinct and not necessarily put together to make wild sense but it's to pout thing 'out there'

Today I thought I'd put a few "I'm thankfuls"

I'm Published!!!

One of my photo's of Domenik was shorlisted a while back to be considered for use in the 2011 Ponseti Fundraiser Calendar - well I received confirmation today that it's being used!!! My photo has been published and the calendars are already in production!!!

Footprints in the Sand

It's a great little fundraiser for the Ponseti organisation that treats children with club feet and metatarsus adductus type conditions...

The price per calendar is $16US (shipping not included). From the date ordered, the calendars take approximately 4 business days to process/manufacture and 1 business day-3 weeks for delivery, depending on the shipping method you choose and where it is headed.

This year, all profits from the calendar will go to Miraclefeet, a new non-profit organization bringing together motivated parents, top medical minds, and accomplished leaders to help deliver the simplest, most affordable, most effective clubfoot treatment the Ponseti Method to children in need, wherever in the world they happen to be.

Yes, I'm excited and proud as punch that my photo in some small way is contributing to a bigger cause :)

Coming down from the Adrenaline High....

no I've not started sky diving or the like, but it's to do with my kids - again...

Dommy's just decided to pick a fight with a bee and lost... as a result we've discovered he's severely allergic so am currently watching him for further signs of anaphylaxis.

He came running into my scrap room (where I was watching x-factor - goooo Sally and Mohogany!!!) with a funny cry, I knew instantly something was up.. his little chubby foot had started to swell and he had welts appearing all over his torso :( I knew it was an allergic reaction then and there but had no idea what to... he kept putting his foot up so I did a thorough inspection with him sitting on the chair squirming and writhing in what appeared to be severe pain... I found the venom sack stuck in-between his toes and his foot... the poor little mite had no idea what was going on - he was such a mess :(

Within a minute of removing the venom sack he started dribbling and grabbing at his tongue so I knew things were getting bad so grabbed the claratine from the cupboard and forces it between his clenched teeth - he did NOT want to take that medicine!!! but mummy won that battle!!!

the claratine started working within 5-10 minutes (isn't it funny how time goes either super fast or super slow in those kinds of situations???) and the dribbling stopped as did the tongue pulling... Mind you this was also time I was to be collecting the older children from school, everything happens at once!!!

So I collected the kids, got home and spent 30 minutes calling the GP to see what the process is to report severe reactions here in SA who then told me to call the Er, who then put me through to something like nurse on call (I missed the name of the service, I just remember being put through!)

The upshot is I've done the right thing. In a way thank goodness for our previous experience with allergies or we'd be sitting in the hospital for monitoring not at home where he can relax and be comfortable!!! Sooo I sit here coming down from the adrenaline high of seeing my baby boy on the cusp of an anaphylactic reaction.... it's not the nicest feeling but I'm sooo relieved we've been able to avoid sticking him with adrenaline and a hospital visit... Here's hoping now that we can get him in to see a GP tomorrow and get an epi-pen prescribed, as with bee stings the next will more than likely be a worse reaction, and this kid loves to live outside, so I'm sure it wont be his last sting - or my last adrenaline high like this....

Menu Plan Monday :)

Okies, let's see if this works!!! I'm attempting to pre-date a post... Guess if it works then brilliant - if not then this is going to be posted on the wrong day ROFL So if today isn't Monday - Don't bag me out - it's bloggers fault mwahhahahaa

Soooo I've menu planned again - long time between drinks you say - not really, it's just a long time since I've put it in here!! I really should though - it keeps me accountable!!!

Soooo... here we go!!!

Monday: Fish Cakes and Salad
Tuesday: Hamburgers and Salad or Veg - depends on weather and if kids want salad again
Wednesday: Shepherds Pie
Thursday: Sweet Aromatic Chicken and Veggies
Friday: Fried Rice
Sat: Roast Chooken with Veg
Sunday: Hot Spuds - Tasmanian style - yum yum!!
Monday: Lasagne and Salad
Tuesday: Chicken Sausages, Mashed potato and Veg
Wednesday: Hamburgers (hopefully BBQed at the park)
Thursday: Beef Strognahoff (sp??) with Couscous
Friday: Spag Bol
Sat: Roast Lamb with Veg
Sunday: Hot Spuds - maybe Tassie style again :)

Menu can be interchanged, and I'll have spare snags etc in the freezer if the weather is good for BBQs etc... There will also be an extra spag bol and casserole ingredients shopped for just in case ;)

It's funny...

that things have changed so quickly for us, and I'm not regretting these changes one bit!! I wake up with a silly smile on my face, I feel content. Really happy and certain that we've done the right thing - not just for us but for our family.

Usually (well my experience is) when you make a quick decision that it usually turns pear shape... but this was a super quick decision, it was life changing and it's been a remarkable thing that we've done - and I'm deliriously happy!!!

There is no sign of homesickness... That worried me at first, but I was told last night that it's a good thing. I'm not wanting anything that Tasmania had to offer. I've pulled the negatives out of my life and moving seemed to help purge the stragglers that I was allowing to stay in my life no matter how much grief and pain they brought because I thought it was the right thing to do - I was always brought up to respect others and their differences, but in that I think I forgot to be me and stand up for myself. Now I've learnt this important lesson and I'm feeling 10kg lighter for it!!!

So, I probably shouldn't be suprised to be finding myself and finally being really happy - it's an unusual thing for me to feel like I'm relaxing and smiling for no reason in particular. I don't feel I have to force myself to be happy... because I just am!!!

The sad thing is that I'm almost 35 and I can't remember the last time I was this content and happy... I've been letting others set the tone of my life (some was for medical reasons with myself and the kids etc so that wasn't necessarily a bad thing) But I'm not letting others pettiness, negativity, shallowness and judgemental ways (yes that includes family members as well) effect me - I can shrug them off and keep on going - if they want to stay that way then let them - that's their choice, not mine - they're hurting themselves and I choose not to have them hurt me or my family... they're loss ;)

I choose to move forward into happy times - As much as the kids are currently doing my head in on school holidays I'm still smiling and happy - weird hey ;)

Domenik...

My beautiful baby boy,

Today is the last day in the second year of your life. What you've accomplished in this last 12 months is nothing more than extraordinary. I know it's what most children do, but to watch you grow and learn is a real pleasure and an honour.

You are the happiest, cheekiest, and most endearing little man. I don't know of a single person who has not fallen under the spell that is you. You bewitch everyone with that wicked glint in your big brown eyes and your cute laugh is simply infectious.

Dom, you've a long way to go in this world. You are a precious gift to us, you weren't meant to come into our lives, yet you did - your life has a purpose - never ever forget that!

So what exactly have you accomplished in the last 12 months? You've learned to walk, run, jump and skip. you can dig holes in the garden, investigate how a worm moves and chase the butterflies and beetles that fly in our garden. You're forever inquisitive and from that you learn. The understanding that flashes in your eyes when something 'clicks' is like the spark of knowledge - you really do understand so much even though you're still learning to communicate it.

You've learned to start communicating. You talk sooo much - even this morning you rang nanny on the phone and had a conversation with her - granted you spoke in "Domenikese" but it was a proper conversation with sentences and pauses... If you want something you'll find someone who can get it for you and pull them by the hand or clothing (usually shirt front) until they are where you want them to be and patiently point or try to tell them what you want. Usually it's food or water - typical Bricknell style there boyo ;) You know when to put on the tears to get what you want and if that doesn't work you've discovered big brown eyes can beg like no one has ever seen before... and again, if that doesn't work a full on temper tantrum (arms and legs failing and all!!) will usually get you some attention - positive or negative you don't really mind... typical '2' year old ;)

Domdles, this past 12 months has also seen you diagnosed with mild clubbing of your feet and severe rigid metatarsus adductus. This meant several weeks having your feet stretched in casts and then wearing braces and orthotics day in and day out. This hasn't been easy for you - but you took it all in your stride. You smiled and laughed with the nurses as they changed your case every week. You learned to firstly crawl and then walk in your casts as well. you were determined they would not slow you down - and they didn't! This condition is no where near corrected my sweet little man, and I know the future could still bring with it pain and more restrictions as you go through more corrections. I pray that you continue to smile through the treatments and relish the fact that in time it is for your benefit that you can run and jump and play like all other children, and not be restricted by your feet. There is no reason why you have this condition - there is no use looking for blame. You're just a very special boy who has been made this way - again, we don't know why but the way you handle it is truly amazing...

And now my baby boy, we have moved away from your nanny and poppy and cousins that you loved. You have coped with moving well too. You will adjust because for you your memories are only now being made. You probably wont recall living in Tasmania at all. This saddens me, but I know that you will make wonderful memories and a life for yourself here in South Australia (or wherever life takes you) You have already made some good friends here (quite a feat for a 2 year old!!!) you have made this transition for the rest of us so much more pleasurable as we see you take in this new experience as well.. You are teaching us to look at the world with a childs eyes - just like you do. You have brought the innocence back to us, in a way only a child can do - you my dear boy have shown us and taught us despite your tender age all this...

So my baby boy, this second year of your life comes to an end tomorrow as you turn 2 years old. So much has happened in your short life, you have learned so much, you have grown and you have loved. You have also taught so much as well.. You've brought joy to so many around you as well as unconditional love. You are such a delightful blessing and as you move into your third year of life I pray that you continue as you have done with a smile on your face, love in your heart and innocence in your life. You are a precious little man and one in a trillion.

I love you my beautiful boy and am soooo proud and honoured to be your mummy.

Happy Birthday for tomorrow my cheeky little man...

It's a new day for beautiful memories to be made xxxxx