You want to give me a label?? Then go ahead - make my day :)

Things are certainly starting to get serious here, I've been working on our budgets and semi-freaked when I realised Nathan gets 3 more paydays before Aerynns due and I have 7 now - eeeekkk!!! That makes the time between now and meeting our littlest girl seem sooooo small - it's racing up on us!!!! And to be honest the tingles of excitement have returned and I'm so looking forward to meeting our squirmy little kicker :)

I'm feeling very reassured now that I've had an opportunity to take with several like minded people about the prospects on how we will be welcoming Aerynn into our family and the situation with hospitals, interventions and transfers here in this part of the state. When you live in big cities or are familiar with a certain area's processes and protocols it would be so easy to sit back and feel confident that you know what to do and that your point of view is right; but we're not familiar with anything around here, it is all foreign to us and the more that we look into things the more alarmed we were becoming at the prospects put before us. Especially in light of the lack of interest in our past experiences etc... This is something that I've never come across before, and is extremely concerning to be treated like a number and brushed aside because you're not known by anyone.

But now, I've had a whole world of options open up to me and it's stirred previous memories and dreams that I had repressed because it wasn't possible in Tasmania. I've re-discovered what made me so passionate about having a family, getting back to the roots of everything that I am. I remembered where and why I became interested in alternatives to modern medicine and common social practices...

These are things that helped us get through difficult times when no one knew what they were dealing with when William was sick, they were avenues I had investigated when I was given the ultimatum at 17 years olf to get pregnant in 3 months or have a hysterectomy - they are things that gave me a reason to continue fighting, questioning etc etc... Things that apparently gave me a 'label' of not running with the social norms...

So what am I re-discovering? Mostly that I'm NOT alone. I'm not the only one who has come up against the obstacles we have been confronted with. I am discovering that there are people out there who are just as passionate about the same things that I am, the things that I was mocked for and made others consider me 'weird' back when I was a late teen... I never identified myself as a hippy etc, but to look into the evolution of medicine and how things were done before we had magical 'gods' in society called doctors is really amazing!

So why shouldn't we start to question things more? Why do we put blind faith in scientists and modern discoveries? How many times do we hear of product recalls, drugs that have been taken off the market all because things aren't what they were originally thought they were to be? Why is it just the 'done thing' that we follow all these new developments like sheep, partake in them blindly trusting that things will be ok because we were told they would be? Since when did it become the norm to let other people take responsibility of our lives? I mean, we put a drug into our body and we develop a nasty side effect in time, who should take responsibility? The person who manufactured the drug or the blind sheep who put it in their body blindly trusting the manufacturers recommendations?

And a lot of people now days are unknowingly returning to those older treatments and processes without realising what they are doing - think day-spas with their aromatherapy, mud, heat and water treatments, then there's those super expensive and exclusive retreats with massage, meditation, whole foods... And what about the wheat-grass drinks, detox, cleansing diets with all the extra natural elements being introduced?? I mean not even going that far, how about household products that are now incorporating natural cleansers, aroma's, natural colourings etc So many things are starting to turn their back on so called modern 'advancements' and returning to a place less chemical, more natural...

I guess this ramble that I'm typing as it comes into my head is simply asking when did we stop taking responsibility of our own decisions and blindly do what society or the people who society looks up to tell us to do? When does personal responsibility start??

I could be labeled weird, or alternative... people might shake their heads and wonder what I'm thinking; but at least I know that I am taking responsibility for my own path in life. It is there because it is my decision to go down that path, not because it is the done thing or it's what everyone else does. I'm doing and planning my future because I am confident that I have researched options, outcomes and can stand by my decision... how many others can honestly say that? If that makes me weird, alternative, hippy etc then so be it! I will proudly wear that label if you want to pin it on my chest - because for me that label translates that I've broken away from the flock, I'm no longer acting blindly like a sheep and that I've taken responsibility for myself and my path in life... I wonder how many out there can truly pin that label upon themselves???

Meet Aerynn

With everything that has happened this past month I neglected to finish this post regarding our morph scan!!! the best news is that everything is looking AOK :) and we've had confirmation (if you've not guessed by now) that we have a little baby girl on board :) We WILL still be having a 28/30 week 3d scan to confirm this so we can be prepared if the first results were wrong and we need a minor op organised - BUT it was pretty obvious in the end that there was 3 lines (there's explanation on lines, turtles etc HERE - warning it does have photo's of external genitalia!!!), no sign of male genitalia... still, I've heard "it's going to be a girl" before and let me just say that William somehow is not a girl LOL

Now our little princess was not as co-operative as she could have been, she refused to give us a profile shot but she did look straight down the transducer so we have a full face image, which isn't as pretty as a profile, but she has huge eyes in it ROFL



So I think most people who know us also know that we name our babies with lots of thought and meaning. Baby's full name will be...

Aerynn Paige Nalani

The meaning of which is special to us. Aerynn is an old Irish name and spelling variation meaning Hope. It's funny but I always felt there was another little girl waiting to join our family and with the losses we've experienced all we could do was hop that one day she would be strong enough to hand in there and join us - and she is!!!! We love a lot of Irish things, their music, the country etc - we had an Irish themed wedding! So it seemed to fit that we chose a name ans spelling that pertains back to this. Paige we believe sounds beautiful when teamed with Aerynn (pronounced like Erin in case you were wondering) and Nalani is a Hawaiian name meaning Heaven. We were originally going to have Neveah, however there's been a LOT of negative connotations with that name and we don't want to have any thing negative fed back on our little girl. So why a name that means or has something to do with heaven? It's simple. we've 8 little ones in heaven watching over us, and to us the fact that Aerynn is still with us is a miracle from Heaven. It's in honour of Aerynn herself, her angel siblings, our journey to be here It in a way is a reminder that all our children are little bits of heaven placed in our arms for us to love for as long as we are blessed to have them :)

So the important thing for us is that she is looking perfect :) There are no soft markers for Downs Syndrome or any other trisomy disorders, her ankles and feet at the moment are looking straight - which means there is no indication of club foot, but her feet will be monitored to ensure that metatarsus adductus does not become an issue with her. At the moment her hips and legs can't be fully evaluated but there's no obvious dislocation - she will have an ultrasound to check on the angle of her hip sockets and the ball joint a few weeks after birth, and at the moment there is no need to book the 'little op' as she does not have the appendage that will cause that problem LOL She has a great looking heart, no sign of any backflow, 2 shadows which will become more obviously kidneys as she gets bigger and a nice round stomach ready for filling with all kinds of yummyness!!! Her spine is complete, straight and looking good - and her measurements are all showing she is growing at a great rate, just under the 50th%ile and no signs of being a big bubba - just like her siblings were :)

So, a great result all around!!! We're finishing our family with a gorgeous little princess and we couldn't be more happier with the results of the scan!! Only 4 weeks until our 3d scan now which will confirm that our little princess is a little girl, and not a prince in disguise LOL And it will also check on her growth and we should have some cute pics of her cherub cheeks and some idea on who's side of the family she might take after... It's a shame we can't see what colouring she'll have... I wonder if we're getting another redhead or a blond headed bubba?? Or even a brunette??? Even though we have a lot of information about her before she arrives there is still a whole world of things to discover about our little one :)

I Never Wanted It To Be Like This...

But it's almost feels like I'm being forced in this direction. Due to life circumstances I've always been very opinionated when it comes to female reproductive health - to the point of directing my studies and career path towards medicine with the view of specialising in gynaecology and obstetrics. Now, I feel like I'm on the verge of becoming a women's rights activist - not that I want to be, but simply in the act of standing up for myself, researching options and finding out more and more I can't help but feel very passionate about the fact that women's rights are being deteriorated and things that are as natural as childbirth are becoming more and more institutionalised and proceduralised...

Anyways, It seems that even labouring in water is considered 'dangerous' here in this state! unless you are of 'low risk'!! I have fought each and every negative point that has been thrown against me and more and more seem to be all but made up in an effort to make me buckle and bow to the system! Now I'm being told because I've had miscarriages I've a higher risk of a PPH - No supporting documentation, I just have to take the good doctor's word.

It really is getting to the point of ridiculous!

Every time I ask for proof, documentation etc etc I get the same time honoured spiel "research and studies" So where is this research and studies? Why when I ask for further information can it not be provided. Why? I can provide plenty to support myself. Why, then, if I have to bow to the powers to be do they not need to provide me with their evidence, with this research they use to back themselves up with??

I'm an educated woman. I know right from wrong. I will NOT put myself or my baby or ANY of my children at risk. Yet I'm just expected to sit down, shut up and do what I'm being told when every fibre of my being is screaming that it's not right in my situation. It's too risky to comply with their wishes... All too often I've seen with my own two eyes that modern medicine does NOT have all the answers. They make so many mistakes that are covered up, they are so often wrong... Why should I continue to put my trust in a system I have seen fail so many, hurt so many - temporarily as well as permanently?? Why? Why should I trust that, they have given me NOTHING to trust other than the phrase "research and studies"

Well this educated woman is going to fight for what is right for her. This educated woman knows that where there's smoke there is fire. This educated woman is NOT going to become another "yes man" for the system. This educated woman is taking control of her life, taking control of her family and taking back the rights that so many women have lost in today's society.

I am who I am

I've a few posts in draft form that I have been working on of late that I don't think will ever be published on this blog. Posts which explained things that happened throughout my life, posts about research I've been doing and the pain and confusion that had set in over the previous few days. This may not be the most eloquent of posts, but you know what - I've come to the realisation (once again) that I am who I am, I don't need to explain myself or defend my decisions at all. I don't need to answer questions about my life or give everyone full details. To be honest it's no one elses business what I've been through and experienced other than my own... Some people know, not many, actually I don't even think my husband knows the full extent of things that I've experienced... and he doesn't need to know...

Anyone who REALLY knows me knows that I'm a private person in reality. There is nothing bad about this, nothing at all! All because people want to know or don't understand things about me doesn't mean that they need to or have the right to know this information. If you can't accept me with what you know about me you'll never accept me. If you don't trust me and have faith that I can make my own decisions then there's nothing I can say or do that will change that perception of me. That is not a fault in me, that is a fault in you. Quite often people question things because they have the fear or the doubt within themselves, not the person they are questioning, it's just hard for them to look inside themselves and realise this.

I'm finding that last point very obvious at times in my life such as now.

I'm in a good place right now. I'm confident in my research, my resolves and what I know I can do. I trust those around me and have faith in my plans and back-ups. My choices and decisions have nothing to do with anyone else other than me and in this case my baby. This has always been the fact. The situation where other people feel they have the right to comment and question me does not reflect upon me, but on their own doubts and lack of faith in themselves and their own capabilities if they were in my position. I have to draw on the strength and trust in myself and find those who I can rely on and in turn trust me. Anyone who knows ANYTHING about me would know how important trust is to me, and how quickly it can be lost and once lost how difficult it is to win it back...

So in saying that, I am so looking forward to welcoming our little Aerynn into this world in a warm, loving and safe environment and details of bringing her earthside are of no concern to anyone other than those I feel confident in sharing this with... This is a private thing for myself and my family... Some details will be shared openly (and there is a personal reason for this which I hope we don't require - but it is there just in case), I will continue to vent and talk to my family using the methods that suit us best and have suited us since moving interstate. For anyone who wishes to be there for us your support and understanding is welcome; any judgment, suspicions and negativity will find the door slammed shut and quick fast!!!

Apologies

I've had a bit of an absence here and it has apparently raised some eyebrows so I guess it's time to come clean, time to share a little of what I've been trying to internalise of late...

I also feel the need to apologise for the fact that with all this happening this month and how I've tried to protect my family and friends from my concerns, worry etc etc that I've also apparently retreated too much and it's become painfully obvious in my lack of participation. I am sincerely sorry for this.. I've a room full of half filled projects that need final touches or the likes, and I've been unable to concentrate enough to do anything productive let alone finish them. I'm going to have to rectify that this week.

So, a little about what has been happening, it's not pretty and probably sounds like a heap of garbled gobbledy-goop... but this has been my life for at least the last month, and no matter what the outcome I need to do my best to at the very least protect my older children from the distress I've been feeling and am currently experiencing...

This last month has been a month of turmoil for me. There has been several celebrations and happy times that I've struggled with to ensure that what was going on in my life, and in my head wouldn't bring others happy times down, or at the very least let me to try and fit in and not appear to be the sad sack leaning on the back wall withdrawing from society. We've also had the joy of finding out our little Splodge is a gorgeous little princess and perfectly healthy and doing all she should be doing. We have already revealed her name (Aerynn Paige Nalani) and her siblings are very excited to meet her. But this high in particular was overshadowed by my appointment with my obstetrician the next day. I had previously been advised that the docs here in Mount Gambier would want to either induce Aerynn or ceaser her so she arrived to their schedule - this I had been kinda prepared for and had a minor panic attack and researched all my options regarding that to present to the good Dr to fight this move. What he presented me with instead has literally turned my life into a real tail spin...

Even though I have had 4 previous drug free labours, quick labours (3 hours from water breaking, 1.5 hours of contractions and super quick second stage), no intervention required labours the doctors have labelled me 'high risk' Their reason is that I am now 35, this is baby #5, I have had 8 miscarriages and I have also had 2 minor post-partum hemorrhages. These hemorrhages were due to midwife intervention and had they allowed my body to do it's job (as they had with my other 2 labours) I would not have had any intervention - as it was no intervention was required for these, they rectified themselves within an hour of my babies being born. I knew about this label a few months ago - I was shocked and felt sick that my plans for another natural, hands free, drug free, non-intervention labour were being thwarted...

So what has the obstetrician said that turned my life so upside down?? The fact that now the doctors are wanting to send me over 400KM away from my family 2 weeks before Aerynn is due, to a city I've never been to, in a city where I know no one (as in never met anyone - I know a couple of people online but that's not the same as 'knowing' them!). They want me to find my own accommodation in Adelaide, pay for it, pay for my transport, go to a hospital I've never been to, deal with midwives and obstetricians I don't know, have my baby with no support!!! My husband is struggling to get time off work as it is, to get time off for an approximate 4 weeks to be with me when Aerynn arrives is going to be impossible. He works full time - and what will happen to our other 4 children? One of whom has Aspergers and struggles with change??? There is no way that Nathan would make the trip from Mt Gambier to Adelaide in the approximate 3 hours that it takes for our babies to arrive, there is no way he can get an extended time off work with no repercussions... I simply don't know how we can make this work and keep a smile on our face and feel supported at the same time as trying to hold out family together...

So I'm in a constant state of panic at the moment. If the doctors here have their way there is no way that I would have any support person that I know for my labour. I wont have a friendly face I recognise when Aerynn is born... I will have no one for the following few days after our princess arrives... no one familiar to visit, to share their joy in person for my baby.. she will be several hours or even days old before her daddy sees her, let alone her siblings... This important bonding time will be lost :( I will be all alone in a city I am not familiar with, in a health system I am still struggling to understand etc...

Oh I know the most important thing is to have a healthy baby and mum.. I know that and I get that... I know they can induce her on a set date to fit into a schedule - however this comes with increased risks again that make my apparent 'risk factors' more risky... Having a baby is something that is natural, something to relish, enjoy (yes I enjoyed bringing my baby into the world) it is not something that should be done to schedule unless there is a medical reason that the baby needs to enter the world earlier than when they need to... Then that comes with it's own complications.... Yes we will be in a bigger hospital who can cope with these complications - but why create these issues in the first place???

I have an appointment this coming Friday with an anaethestist who will give me his answer as to if my fighting and research has paid off and I can have our baby here in Mount Gambier or if they are sending me on for whatever reason they see fit. It's times like these I love the Tassie health system - this would NOT have been happening over there!!! In fact my fertility specialist and obstetrician over there both were keen for me to have more babies because my antenatal care, labours and post natal care were so easy and uncomplicated!!!

So I've spent the month researching other options. I've been in a mad panic I guess.. trying to find something that can keep my family together as well as bring Aerynn into the world when she wants to arrive in the safest way possible... And to be honest it's not an easy thing to work towards when you're in a regional area. There are no independent midwives practicing around here, so the only choice I seem to have at the moment is to have what is called a "Freebirth" And to be honest the thought at the moment terrorfies me.

"freebirth" is where you birth your baby at home, with no assistance. There will be no one to help me if something goes wrong other than maybe a support person (my hubby) and the phone ready to dial 000. I know my previous labours haven't had complications, but that doesn't mean Aerynn's will either... I know this has been done several times and safely, I know that there is support for home-births and free-births and I've been doing my best to find that... But the reality is starting to set in about what we're facing, the risks etc... It's just sheer panic about the unknown I think coupled with the realisation at how much I was comforted by knowing if anything went wrong there was help just around the corner in the hospital... We live a 5 minute drive from the hospital at most and just around the corner from the ambulance station so in the scheme of things have help close at hand, but I've also been told that if I'm ordered to transfer the doctors can refuse to treat me unless Aerynn is already born - they can transfer me mid-labour to Adelaide!!! To be possibly forced into this position has me unable to sit still, unable to concentrate... in a state where I'm trying to control my emotions to not let on to the outside world that my plans for our new baby aren't panning out as expected...

So again I apologise. I have been trying to keep this personal situation out of the public eye. I can't have my children think anything negative about the arrival of their sister and I can't allow them to know how worried I am at the moment. This is meant to be a happy time., a time to be relaxing and enjoying middle pregnancy and baby kicking and growing etc... After Friday I'll at least know what path we're walking down with our baby and be able to concentrate rather worry about someone else making their decisions - I'll have a clearer picture and be able to focus on that... Hopefully I've been worrying for nothing, but at the very least I now know that there are alternatives, even though they're not what I planned there are ways to keep my family together... Until then I will make a more concerted effort to push my worries and fears etc aside and plug back in to everyone and life in general...