I'm not Looking Forward to November...

I'm posting this now because I hope that I can handle myself and control my emotions so I don't have too bad a month.

November was meant to be a month full of new joy for us. It's the month that our latest angel was due... Our baby was due on the 22nd of November 2010. With previous losses I've not been that crash hot come to due date... I really hope I can hold myself together this year...

It only struck me this morning that tomorrow will be November... I should be complaining about aching back and joints, braxton hicks, swelling hands and feet.. but instead I sit and snuggle my earth children and wonder what this baby would have been like, if it was a boy or a girl, what colour eyes he/she would have had, hair, smell etc etc....

I can't allow myself to dwell too much though, I don't want to get down and struggle to come up for air again.

I guess it hasn't helped finding out a friends grandson was born with wings last Friday - unexpectedly. He was too small and precious for this earth :( I wonder how I would cope if our babies were that bit bigger that we could hug them and kiss them and see them.... they weren't 'simply' miscarriages...

Anyways, if I go nutso this month please forgive me. If I get too down - well I need to be allowed to be down a little but if you see me get too down please kick my backside and remind me what i have on earth already :)

November should be a good month for us, but I know there will be a little sadness and a few tears... I really hope I keep an handle on my emotions etc....

Ahhhh Peace and Quiet....

I'm exhausted - happy exhausted though :) Kahli had a birthday sleep over last night, her best friend Abby came and spent the night and most of the day today :) They had a blast - typical girly sleepover - 3am **gasp** pillow fight and all!!!! William also had some friends from the street stay over, and Aleks had a school sleep over so we lost one of ours but gained 3 others LOL

Soooooo I'm ready to drop after a night of hardly any sleep in amongst the whispers, giggles, boy/girl germ comments and pillow fights...

Happy exhausted because all the kids are settling. Aleks came home from camp talking about his new friends he made and **sigh** everything is just feeling so right at the moment!!!!

happy happy happy :)

so with that I'm off to bed... sleep is calling me, although it wont be for a sleep in as apparently the $2 league bowling is back up and running and my bowling family can't resist a bargain such as that **sigh** LOL

Happy Birthday Squirt xxx

Well my baby girl turns 11 in 3 hours... Wow time really does fly.... I guess she's not a baby anymore, she's not even really a little girl, she's fast becoming a young lady - now that's scary!!!

I can remember vividly what I was doing at age 11, so I assume she will to... to think that things we do today could be the things she caries with her for the rest of her life, kinda makes those daily things even more important...

Anyways, I hope to get a post in here tomorrow for my special girl, but just in case needed to wish her a happy birthday for tomorrow... Kahli has put in her order for her birthday tea and has asked for my lamb burgers for dinner - that's so nice, it's my own recipe and she said it's her favourite :) Oh and she want's cheesecake, I need to remember to get it done in the morning so it's ready for dinner - if anyone knows of a good quick cheesecake recipe please share!!!

So for now, Kahli, my gorgeous little spitfire, I hope you have a lovely birthday and it's everything you want, You're such a special little lady and I want you to start believing in yourself and turn into the magnificent woman you have the potential to become. Love you always Squirt xxxx

uh-oh...

I've been told that apparently my blog post yesterday was a little harsh... Well, maybe... I mean I do have a terminal case of verbal diarrhoea when I let my thoughts ramble and I just type away... LOL

Anyhoos, I don't want to really make this blog about my old friendship - I mean we had good times, we had a lot of down times and it was what I thought was a good friendship, until someone changed her mind and became influenced by others around her and started talking out of school. She chose to change to a point where she was using profane language to my mother and telling my mum to f*** off... Now, I'm sorry but in my book that is something that is borderline forgivable but not forgettable, and there is no way I could associate with anyone who has not only spoken to me like that but also my mother

On top of that saying one thing to a persons face and another behind their back was starting to gripe on me, everything added up - so yes, we had what I believed to be a good and close friendship, but the minute I wasn't able to live in her pocket day in and day out her attention turned elsewhere and everything we supposedly had was rubbished, abused and pushed aside - and excuses came flooding forth as to why this was all happening - in an attempt to push the blame back onto me. I can't go forward with a friendship like that... That is why I was so happy and relieved when I was shown these photo's that I felt nothing. I knew that I had moved on. I am ready to continue my life with this friendship being a part of my past. It and she is not a part of my future and I accept that and am happy with that.

I don't want to come across as a nasty pasty who has celebrated wiping someone out of their life for nothing - believe me I'm not like that. I know that if you're my friend I'll hold onto you as tightly as possible and it takes a lot for me to loosen that grip on you (be warned mwahahaha) but start to turn on me and my loyalty will be questioned... Be abusive towards my family and you're gone - especially when they've done nothing but drop everything to be by your side and support you, babysit for you, shelter you, stop you from doing stupid things when wanting to end your life, answer your tearful calls at midnight after your ex abused you and run to your side at all hours - yes that was not only me but also my mum and this was the thanks we received... Sorry but do that and I know that you're not the right sort of person to be in my life... THAT is what yesterdays post was all about.

Sorry for not being too clear, I'm not nasty, just a human being who is moving forward with her life :)

Onwards and Upwards - I soooo am loving that saying hahaha BTW remember my mantra - "You don't always get answers for what happens - because sometimes the answers were not for you, they were lessons for someone else..." I really do think that was the case here... I can only hope that what happened the answer was for me to be there to help her get through this stage in her life, now it's time for me to move on and start with my own life - it's the least I can do for myself and my family :)

And She's Been Doing it Again...

...writing posts to blog here in my head and getting things out of my system that way and not actually blogging them - I guess that's healthy and still healing in a way... but no good if I want to look back in years to come to see how I got through things, my through processes etc... Oh well... probably less dribble for others to read through LOL

Anyhoos, things are going really great here. I wake up with a silly contented smile on my face that rarely leaves - it's soooo good to be happy!!! I didn't realise how much I had let other people influence me and bring me down!!! I mean in my head I knew things had to change, but it wasn't going to happen without a shove - and once that shove happened and we were away from those influences - wow!! the lightness, relief and lack of stress is AMAZING!!! I feel young again, I feel there's a spring in my step and I feel I have positive things to look forward to for the long term future - not just worrying about the rest of the day/week etc - long term as in years down the track - I can see a positive FUTURE :) That's all good.. that's the way life should be!!!

A big thing happened this week. I was sent a link to some pics online of a person I had considered a friend. I didn't really want to see them but I was told to have a peek - to see for myself how I felt and to see how some things had changed back in Tas... Well... I opened them and you know what - I didn't feel anything. I had thought I'd feel sad or guilty about leaving and getting on with my life - but nopes... Nothing like that at all!!! In fact I felt sorry for her. I also felt happy that I was not in the influence that this person was experiencing in the photo's and knew that her lifestyle and choices were not where I wanted to be or even want to be headed... I felt happy that this person was no longer in my life - and you know what... it's really made me see that this was the right thing for us :) I am so so SO happy to have left my past behind me and am moving onto bigger and better things, living my life for myself not to make sure others get through the day and not being held back and in the company of people I would not want to be like, linked to or associated in any way with - it probably makes no sense to anyone reading this, but it does to me and I really needed to get that out - especially the fact that I could close those pics and walk away and know for certain this is right for me, us and everyone around me :)

I also realised it's been AGES since I've posted any pics of my gorgeous kids :) Today I completed another scrapbooking cyber crop for SBT50 and had to race to get some pics of my kids pulling faces for the final challenge - so here they are, in all their shaggy, face-pulling morning glory - just remember these pics were taken for a purpose - it's not their normal faces ROFL

Aleksandir - yes that's meant to be a funny face LOL

Kahli - no idea how she can cross her eyes on demand like that!!!

William - need I say any more, typical Wil!!!

Domenik - this is the closest I could get to him pulling a
face on demand - not bad for a 2 year old ;)

There's more pics and scrappy LO's on my crafty blog - My Crafty Retreat

I'm soooooo not ready for this!!!

Today at bowling Aleks came up to me, I thought he was going to start on with something smart (he's discovered the art of smart arse comments augh!!!) but instead he asked me if I could see any hair on his upper lip - OMG!! You could have knocked me over with a feather - this is how the conversation went...

A - can you see any hair on my lip mum?
me - no, why?
A - because I want a moustache
me (not sure where this was heading so a little uncertain) - why?
a - because it will make me more of a MAN (said with a macho sounding grunty voice)

Oh no - I'm soooo not ready for my Aleks to be a man yet - he still need to be a boy a little longer **sob** time is flying by tooo fast - I mean in reality he could be off to university and moving out of home in 5-6 years time!!! Can't I have my Zander-boy just a bit longer.... please.....

Post It Note Tuesday: Thankful

Well it seems blogger has updated itself again - no idea what this new linky thing does and no inclination to fiddle at the moment - I'm likely to stuff something up hahaha

Anyhoos, I thought I'd jump on in with the phenomena that is known as Post It Note Tuesday... Basically every Tuesday you blog in post it notes, so all note form, short, succinct and not necessarily put together to make wild sense but it's to pout thing 'out there'

Today I thought I'd put a few "I'm thankfuls"